Day 47: June 16

 I'm just touching base again. I'm averaging doing this about 1/2 the time, since I started mid April. It's been 96 days, and it's my 47th day journaling/daily paging. 

I was hoping this habit would be more fulfilling/helpful. But I'm doing it anyway. Better than nothing. At least in theory. If people read my diary when they're not supposed to it might cause more harm than good. He said cryptically/hypothetically. 

I'm beyond exhausted with life, with this country, with capitalism, with everything. Even the things that brought me joy have been taken away from me. I'd be a hermit if I could afford it. I don't want my kids to feel abandoned. But I don't know what else to do. We're just standing in the way of reckless hate like Theoden, except instead of orcs made of evil, it's our brother and sister humans striving to kill us. 

the new Superman movie was pretty good, so I got that going for me. Hopefully it will lead to better things. Both in media and out. I'm nearly done with my first edit of my fiction in my complete works (up to 2022 at least). The last story is a lot worse than I remember, which is very disheartening, since it's the one I wrote most recently. But I guess I just get them edited and polished a bit and then print 5+ copies for friends who want to read them but never do, then I'll start writing other things. 

A big reason it's so disheartening is there's a part of me that still wants success, money, fame, security. All the methods that I could possibly attempt result in exploiting others. But the arts, literature especially, seemed like a way to get rich while also not exploiting others. At least not as much as 99.99% of the other options. Not like I'd get published anyway. Better people don't. Worse people do. I'm trying to remind myself I'm doing it for me, not for anything or anyone else. I'm proud of a lot of it. and I might still try submitting some of the stories different places. Idk if anyone will ever care, but it's a record of my consciousness existing however briefly in these vast cosmos, until it's not. So many stories in history lost like tears in rain. Yet we keep remaking disney animated live action ones. Cuz money. Money matters more than art. Art is worthless and as imaginary as anything. But I endeavour to do it anyway. Hate me, hate my writing, tell me I'll never be read or published. And you're probably right. But I'll do it anyway. Screaming vs the void to tell myself I exist. 

I exist. 

June 5: Day 32

June 5 2025
Daily Pages
Day 32



I spent the train ride editing the "Aydane and Talia" fantasy story I wrote 12+ years ago. I'm really enjoying it. Even tho it still has copious problems I don't think I'm going to spend the time to solve them all, I'm glad I'm solving some.

I usually write daily pages on the train, and then spend my time in the trax editing. So I mixed it up today. In case there actually is anyone reading this, I want you to know I HAVE been writing nearly every weekday every morning. Nothing like fiction or poetry, basically just journaling. I think it's been helpful, and it's good to be past day 30 and still keeping up the habit.

I've stopped taking muscle relaxers at night, as I felt it was making me disproportionately weaker, and the cons were outweighing the pros. I was only taking 1/2 a small dose, but I hope this means my fitness goals will come easier to me. It WOULD explain why I've felt more difficulty doing pushups after taking pills than earlier. Duh.


I can't spend too much time on this, I have a freelance project I said I'd have done last night that I forgot because *gestures broadly at everything* life is exhausting. We live in a capitalist dystopian hellscape, and act like everything is fine. For years we tried struggling, hoping we could stop surviving and thrive a little bit. Now we're realigning our priorities/lowering our standards. Now survival seems like victory in itself.


I want to be a public speaker. I want to make a change, make a difference. I want to run for office, but no one will elect me, and people who understand the nuance of the law and how to manipulate it will likely humiliate and/or curbstomp me (figuratively, I hope.)


I want to point out the injustice. I don't know if it was the influence of medical marijana yesterday, but I really felt like everything is set up to keep the lower classes down and the upper classes up. From having to commute to a job to give them the opportunity to exploit you and steal the value of your labor, to the American Dream of owning a home, to having to spend energy and spoons I could have used to try to better my situation, I instead had to spend mowing a lawn I don't care about, growing grass I can't eat. Watching Andor, a show about rebellion and hope, and how people who fight against the empire, even if they "win," still die. And they're fictional, and in much better shape than I am.


And what's possibly worse, I see the exploitation and the abuse, and a large part of me doesn't want to try to "better" my situation. I'd rather be poor and bitter than wealthy and exploitative. I can hope against hope I can better my situation through internal focus, like therapy, meditation, buddhism, internal family systems, denial, entertainment, video games, etc. I can maybe one day sell my writing. I don't know if I'd pay to read any of it tho. And I'm unsure if it's because I wrote it, or because I think it's bad/mediocre. I'd rather be bad than mediocre. At least badness often brings humor, even if (especially if) unintentionally. Mediocrity is much worse. Even god hates mediocrity. As I mumble something about don't be lukewarm, be hot or cold or I'll spit you out. I'd prefer god spit rather than swallow.


Worried about job security, for myself and others. Another way they keep us in line. Wish George Carlin was still alive. But even if he was, it's not like people listened to him. I mean it's not like people did anything about our shitty situation. Born into a losing struggle, we all have a terminal illness called life, yadda yadda.


Still having this midlife crisis, y'all. I don't know what I want. Wanting anything feels criminal and unethical. It'd be cool if people wanted to buy a book I made, I'm hoping 10-20 friends will pay for Amazazing/Thalia (the spelling is different, so it's not named after the character, ok?) Shoot, now I'm referencing daily pages/journal entries that only I have read. Mwahaha. Maybe one day my biographer will see this and think "oh." Not laugh, not a great revelation, but an "oh." That's all I can hope for right now. The weather continues charming.

April 29 Daily Pages: Day 14

 2 weeks (well, the equivalent) of doing daily pages. Ugh I'm supposed to do it longhand, according to Julia Cameron. But, while I do have long hands, they get tired writing things out. And this way I don't have to remember a pen and notebook. Just an internet connection. And it's 2025 baby. Much easier to come by than a pen and paper. 

What do I want to talk about today? That's fit for being possibly read by strangers or worse, loved ones. My third IFS therapy session was yesterday. It was better than the first 2 combined. In retrospect I was harder on the therapist than I needed to be. I'm comparing my relationship with her to that of my last therapist, who I've known several years and spoken to weekly. 

My session was mostly a conversation between 2 diverging parts of my personality/self. One part I called the Capitalist, who wants to succeed, to have lots of money and security, to excel in my career and climb the ladder. He wants to give his family lots of material wealth and go on lots of vacations. The other part I called the Communist. He wants to sell all he has and give to the poor. To try to serve others as much as possible. He both wants to do good, but also be seen as good. 

For a very long time I've felt stuck between the two. And while balance is probably the best foot forward, I haven't felt balanced. I've felt trapped. Like stuck in a dilemma, and instead of walking forward with both held hand in hand, I've felt like they're both pulling me their individual directions so much that I'm just frozen in place. Stagnant. 

I don't think I solved anything. But I did let them both talk which was helpful. It let me be more in my core self. Who I think is likely to progress me further than any of them. Instead of fighting over the steering wheel of Austin, they're agreeing to act as counselors/advisors. Because I've been afraid of listening to the Capitalist too much that I change as a person, becoming more selfish, greedy, narrow minded. As well as the common parable of the man who climbed to the top of the mountain, sacrificing everything in the process, only to discover how lonely and meaningless his achievement was. But the fear of listening to the Compassionate Communist is homelessness myself. Or no matter how much effort and energy I try to put into helping others, all the sorrow and pain and suffering on earth remain, and it amounts to precisely nothing overall.

So yeah, I think listening to/allowing my mind to stay in core self longer is the best solution. I will keep these 2 divergent parts as part of me. Not ignoring, shunning, or shaming them. But becoming unblended. More fruit salad than smoothie, I'm becoming increasingly fond of saying. 

We had our annual poetry retreat this weekend. I wrote about it extensively in my personal journal, but I want to mark it publicly as well. I've done it probably 7 or more times. It's one of my favorite days of the year. Unfortunately this was my least favorite stay there. I still got some really good (IMHO natch) poetry out of it. But in the past, it's been a joy to be in the creative act with people I love an entire day, in the Provo Canyon/Sundance. This year significantly less so. 

I am making a renewed effort to finish editing my complete works (1982-2022 edition) so I can move on to other things. Stay tuned. 

Day 11 4-23-25

 Figured I could try to daily page here again for today. Some is private, some is public, all is unread. Been doing this almost 2 weeks (not counting the weekend) which is nice. Yesterday I went to a taco eating contest for a friend who I've designed the logo and labels for their company. IDK if they want the publicity or if they want my site connected with them in anyway, so I'll refrain from naming names. 

I love tacos, it's one of my food groups. The contest was $20 to enter, winner take all. I managed to get to second place, even if I think I was cheated somewhat. I was told it would go until 8:07, but because the restaurant took long, they let my competition eat longer than the allotted hour. Which, on one hand, fair is fair. and they gave me the opportunity to also try to eat more while they were eating. But on the other hand, I should have won. But after 24 1/2 tacos, I decided that I'd rather spend $20 to not have to eat any more. Especially since he probably outweighed me by a significant margin, and I'd foolishly eaten cheesecake earlier that day. From cheesecake factory, so I was already at my suggested 2000 calories plus. 

Still full, still nauseous, still burps taste like tacos almost 24 hours later. But I didn't think it was worth it to push myself past 24 1/2, so no regrets. Just some bitterness, indigestions, and i don't wanna know what % of me is taco right now. 

Also had a work conference today that my team conveniently left without telling me, so that was fun. On the plus side I worked from home the rest of the day, so take that I guess. 

Terrified and pissed off at the govt coming from autistic people. I hope I don't regret this, but as the father of neurodivergent children, it makes me see red when people who don't know me or them act like they know what they are and aren't capable of. I'm ashamed to be american, ashamed of who represents me. 

I've said before one of the problems with democracy is getting the people we deserve. And we aren't led by people good at leading, we're led by people good at winning elections. I read a Tolkien quote the other day in praise of anarchy, saying something like (too lazy to look it up) "not one man in a million can lead justly. Least of all the people who seek to lead." or something. that's the price of the illusion of freedom, I guess. 

someone wrote an op ed piece recently that was "they want us to have a culture war so we don't band together for a class war" and I was like "I've been saying that for months!" but im' sure neither of us are alone in thinking that. and me saying a sentence aint the same as writing an op ed.

So I'm watching Dr. K. and trying to obtain peace and happiness, listening to Dr. Schwartz to understand my parts, and read Dr. Whatever so i don't feel pain. So far, so crazy. 

It's only Wednesday and I'm worried about spiraling Friday. It's become a tradition nobody wants. Like religion. JK. Sorry to be so edgy on a (I'm assuming) lovely Wed. 

Now to call someone to wish them happy birthday because I love them and it's their birthday. Then to swim and gym. Idk when I can make food. Oy vey. I've been in one place for nearly 7 hours i think. so healthy. much weight loss and attractiveness. i'll settle for health and happiness, and fear my children's safety. cuz murica. 

Day 7 - One Weekiversary of Daily Pages

So far I've done daily pages every day for a week. Go me. Sorry to my unaudience I kept the extra personal stuff personal, but I promise I wrote on those days as well. #accountability

Even if I don't think anyone is reading this, cuz 2025 and wtf are blogs, I still wanna keep my private life private. Plus when it involves other people I wanna respect their privacy too. And I'm realizing if I keep talking I'll negate the aforementioned privacy, so Imma stop now. Is Imma capitalized? Maybe when it's a name. idk. 

I don't remember what I've written publicly so far and what I haven't. Don't bother to forgive me if I'm repeating myself. But this is a journal I'm writing on a public blog, so there's gonna be some repetition. There's gonna be. Some repetition.

I'm realizing a lot of my life is dominated by fear. A lot. And after "Strictly Ballroom" was my favorite movie for so long. I'm ashamed of my fear and allowing it to make me live a half life.

I'm reading 2 books (well 2 1/2. Well 4. But let's focus on the two). One is "No Bad Parts," by Dick Schwartz (great p*rnstar name. I like that I bleeped p*rnstar. But I'm down with saying "fuck" when the situation calls for it. (also, "the situation" would be a cool nickname, if it wasn't already in use. I'm the situation, and I'm calling for it.))

No Bad Parts asserts we're all made of various parts and personalities, and most of them are formed in childhood during traumatic events when they get stuck, frozen, or burdened in one place. Through IFS, Internal Family Systems, we can talk to those parts and show compassion and love and understanding and gratitude (that's a lot, but it's good) to them to help them become unblended, unburdened, healthier and happier. It's changing my life. Our life. W/e. 

The other book is "The Way Out," which is about overcoming chronic pain. IDK if you know this, but I've had near constant pain for 27 ish years since the cancer in my teenage years. It's affected and poisoned and muted and colored and ruined my life. At least I've blamed a lot on it. 

Anyway, I'm realizing 1) so many of my parts are rooted in fear. Afraid of ridicule. Afraid of pain. Afraid of death. Afraid of abandonment. That's a big one I didn't realize affects me a lot. I mean I should have, cuz BPD. 
And 2) a lot of my chronic pain, if not most or all of it, also has a root in fear. Fear of pain returning. Fear of cancer returning. Fear of getting better. Because without pain, who am I? 

So my thought was to list out my fears today, in effort to face them and deal with them. It looks like I already started doing that, so that's fun. #efficiency. 

I'm afraid of a lot. I'm working on calming and comforting myself, as well as learning to be ok with the fear. It's going... ok. (Also, i'm running out of time to have daily pages AND list all my fears. Cuz I DO have a job I have to work on a little bit. Allegedly.) 

this is enough for my needs for today. Tho I will end on this thought: 

If my bday is on Sunday this year, can we call it "Auster?" or would that be sacrilegious? 

Because if so...



Even better

😈

Day 4 [redacted]

 [this is just to say i decided to write privately today, but so i know i wrote daily pages today. it was about my relationship and trying to grow from the therapy i'm doing. business as usual.] carry on.

Day 3

 I went to a non-denominational church today, to support a friend who got baptized there. The cool: there were a number of unhoused people inside and outside, who were being cared for and fed by many of the members. Which is upsetting and infuriating the number of Xtian organizations I've seen, inside and outside Utah, that instead find ways to send them away or reject them, rather than care for. 

There also was a LOT of praising Jesus. I'm no christian, and I think if I were anything like him, I'd prefer they focus on what I said rather than me me me me. But, again, I'm no christian, so maybe he wanted that. If I died for all mankind and suffered on a cross and was dead for a couple days, maybe I'd like the attention and praising. And like I said, not to poo poo them. They seemed to be doing what he said people should do more than most. Myself included. 

I enjoyed going, despite running on 2-3 hours of sleep, and I'm not going back in a hurry. Another friend is separated and I'm sad for them but happy for them. The downside of writing on my blog is I have to vaguebook more than I would. But it feels more accountable, that it's THERE, rather than in the first few pages of a notebook before I abandon it. It feels more real than a word document saved on a computer. Plus I can write this on any computer or phone if I want. I use 3 different computers at different times, so it's useful. Anyway, what else. 

I've been making sourdough for about 4 months now, which is pretty fun and I've gotten a lot better. I'm considering making mozzarella next. idk if it's worth it or not, but i fucking love mozzarella, so maybe #shrug. 

This isn't three pages, but it's more than nothing, so I'm gonna do the cop out thing and say I'm just trying to get into the habit. Now I'm gonna watch White Lotus season 3 before bed.