I feel stunted. I feel trapped. I feel fractured. Emotionally, mentally, socially, and otherwise. And of course, it's my own damn fault.
I know 'be yourself' is the best, if not the only route to happiness. And yet, because I think and feel differently than most of my friends, I've felt the need to hide myself, or feared that my authentic self isn't welcome.
I'm speaking of course on my status as an ex- or post- Mormon, and the fact that most of you reading this (at least those whom this post is chiefly addressed to) are active and believing Mormons. And the difficulty arises when I want to be myself, but I don't want to offend. And I think the fear of offending is present in you as well. (Please correct me if I'm wrong). To be frank, I think you're in a religion that you'd be better off leaving. You may think something similar of me: that I'm deceived, I'm brainwashed, or that I'm downright going to Hell. You could think I'd be better off believing in your faith again. And you could be right. (...But so could I). We're both afraid (in my eyes) of offending the other, and I'm not sure if we need to be. Can we be friends still if I'm more open about believing you're wrong and you believe I'm wrong? Or do we need to keep up the unspoken agreement to just 'don't badmouth my church and I won't badmouth your apostasy?' I don't know.
I want to be more open. I want to be authentic, to be honest to what I feel is the truth. But I don't feel it's possible, and so I feel stunted. I don't think the solution is just find new friends. What's more, I don't want that to be the solution. I'm welcome to the prospect of new friends as always, but I don't want to lose any I have in the process. I don't know what to do and if you can't tell, I'm largely venting/rambling here. Hoping I can find a solution getting these feelings out there.
I've observed many others who have undergone a similar process with their faith as mine, people who were ardent and passionate believers in Mormonism as the one true church, who now feel it's not true. Many were angry and hurt, and posted things on social media or spoke in ways that lost them many friends. I never wanted to do that. (Ok, almost never). I don't want to offend or insult those I love, and frankly I don't find anger a useful emotion for convincing others. What do I want?
I want to be me. I want to be open. But I don't think I can. Maybe I'm asking for permission to be myself. How screwed up is that? Maybe I want to be offensive with no consequences, which I know is stupid. I want to feel accepted and comfortable around those I once felt accepted and comfortable around (and I'm accepting the responsibility here. It's my own fault I don't feel comfortable around those I once did). I want to be myself.
Then I react by fearing that in being myself, I'm shoving my not-Mormonism in your face. Drinking coffee is seen as an affront, when all it means is I want caffeine that doesn't make me feel sick. I realize it could all be in my head. I know the answer is to 'be brave,' and as all the inspirational memes remind me, be yourself and those who mind don't matter. But then, you matter to me. (maybe you don't mind and all my fear is misplaced. Wouldn't that be nice?)
This is me being authentic: I want to be authentic. I recently watched this TED talk (and what spurred me to write this in the first place), which said 4 ways to get people to listen is HAIL:
Honesty
Authenticity
Integrity
Love
Good in theory, but in practice, at least for me, the Authenticity and Honesty conflict with the Love, leading me to experience a drop in Integrity. The thinking goes "If I'm Authentic, I'm behaving in a way that is anti- those I love." My true is your false, and vice-versa.
So is the answer "time to be anti-Mormon?" I hope not. As I've said before, assuming that Mormonism is true, (the view that those of you I'm addressing hold true) that would make me either a lost sheep or your enemy. (I don't think that's a false dichotomy, I've examined it as hard as I could and that's what I get.) I don't want to be a lost sheep or an enemy. I'd like to be like Samuel the Lamanite, telling people I love their beliefs are false, in effort to improve their lives. I truly think most if not all people would be better off without religion. But I also have the belief that you're free to believe as you see fit, worship who, how, where, what you may. It's disorienting, and leads to the conflict I'm currently complaining about. The mix of wanting to improve your lives and wanting you do have the freedom to live as you choose. Part of me hopes you feel something similar.
But I have to ask: Why has no one tried to invite me back to church? Why has no one told me to pray or read scriptures? It could be you assume I'll just say no, which is probably accurate. Why has no one asked about my deconversion? There's a part of me that thinks your belief is fragile and you're afraid I'll hurt it/cause you to apostatize. Likely wishful thinking and arrogance on my part. Part of me thinks you've tried it with others like me and it didn't end well. But why aren't you being more active in proselyting to me? I promise not to be offended, but I also promise to tell you my reasons. You have the truth, so you think. I think you don't, can we talk about it? I hate conflict, and a discussion would very likely lead to conflict, true. So I'm doing what I can, which is talking to myself on a blog I only post on twice a year. I'm taking the first step, I hope. I'd LOVE to talk about your faith. I'd love to talk about my lack thereof, and the definition of faith. I'd like to talk about the infamous essays on lds dot org, on how you can believe what you do and how I believe what I do. Can we talk? Is there room in our friendship to openly hold different beliefs that we can discuss? Is it okay if your end goal is me rejoining your church, and my end goal is you leaving it?
The Book of Mormon states that contention is of the devil. I don't believe in the devil, but I believe contention is almost always a bad thing. But maybe it's something we need. We need to be able to disagree if we're going to share this planet and remain friends. Several of my friends who underwent the openly angry phase of leaving Mormonism have said many of their friends stood by them. I was too afraid to be openly angry (in my opinion, you're free to disagree) and so retained most of my friends, of which I'm grateful. But the cost is I feel our relationship is more superficial now. I can't be 100% ME with you, and you probably feel the same way. It sucks. And I don't want it to continue.
So this is me putting myself out there, asking my Mormon friends who are interested to have a respectful dialogue with me. Give me a call, come over, send me a text. It's possible you don't think I'll be respectful, or that I've already been disrespectful just writing this. I promise to be as respectful as possible. Even so, I don't care about respect as much as other things. I care about Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity, and above all, Love. Because I do love you all. And I want to be loved as well. I think being myself and open about my not-Mormonness is the way to do that, but I'm afraid. But here I am, an ex-Mormon who says you'd be better off without religion. Let's talk.
