On Reflection: Goodbye, New Tens

I know time is relative and dates are arbitrary. But, it's the last day of the year and of the decade. It seems an appropriate, if cliche, time to reflect on what this decade has brought, and who I was, who I am, and maybe who I'll be. Plus I have to be at work but there's little for me to do, so here we go.

The 2010's and me: a reflection

I began the decade as a new father of a 6 month old boy. A husband of 3 1/2 years. A less than active but fully believing Mormon. A graphic design student, working shitty jobs after shitty jobs. I had to get a new one nearly every semester, since I was utterly replaceable, any time I needed a schedule change to adjust my work to my education, it was easier for them to let me go.

Throughout the decade, I aged ten years. (unique). I graduated college with a Bachelor's of Science in Art & Visual Communication with an emphasis in Graphic Design. It took me 13 years of part-time and time off to get a 4 year degree. But I earned that bad boy. I got my first full time design job. I got a better job with some of the greatest people I've ever met. (and some of the most two-faced slimeballs I ever met). I set a record of having the same job for 3.5 years, and then for 4.5 years. (previous record was 1 year). I've done freelance design for local and national companies, designed book covers for fun and profit, and (knock on wood) my career seems to be only looking up.

This was my decade of new parenthood. My son went from an infant to a 10 year old artistic and comedic genius. He was diagnosed with autism. He fell out of a window (and was fine). (The time in this post is not linear.) He became a brother. My daughter was born at home and turned 4. (not at the same time). She's an empathetic prodigy, and an evil genius. I learned the greatest joys of my life are watching them play together and read stories or play games. I've never felt more happiness than when I'm holding them both on my lap. In 10 years time (assuming we don't blow up the planet or other tragedy strikes) they'll be 20 and 14. I'll be 47. They might have a new sibling or more. But I kind of hope not. I struck gold twice, searching for more seems greedy. But also, I have enough disabilities and problems I feel 2 is my limit. But, you never know what tomorrow brings. I'm lucky to have the world's best partner. We've continued some family traditions and created others.

I turn 40 this decade. Not looking forward to that. Fortunately in a way, I've felt older than I am most of my life (combination of an old soul (I was once an Egyptian princess obvs ;) ) and having survived cancer ages your mind and body considerably.) so hitting the big four-oh won't be too big of a deal. This year I've transitioned somewhat as I look back at my past at how far back it goes. I'm middle aged, if I'm lucky. It's more time between now and Back to the Future than it was between Back to the Future and the 1950's he traveled to. (spoilers). Aging has almost always been premature for me. Balding, worsening eyesight, hearing loss, weight gain, bitterness, I've always been ahead of the curve where I don't want to be. I'm nervous about my mortality, as longevity is not something often associated with childhood cancer survivors. But, to echo my last paragraph, you never know what tomorrow brings. Maybe I'll get a robot leg or stem cells that finally eliminate the pain I've been dragging around since 1997.

I met and maintained the friendships I hope I'll sustain throughout the rest of my life. School friends I made in a class I took my final semester on a whim have been some of my closest friends of my life. (I'll get more into that later (foreshadowing!) but part of that is my improved or at least improved recognition of my mental health, and my ability to feel safe enough to open up and be myself, something it's been harder than near anything to do with any kind of regularity.) I've enjoyed my great passion in life which has turned out to be roleplaying games, specifically Dungeons and Dragons (don't knock it til you tried it, there's nothing quite like it.) and in those games met many amazing people and cultivated friendships with most of them. Because of the poetry class I took on a whim, I joined a poetry group after graduation that has been a ray of light in my life, both because creativity is essential for complete happiness, and because of my fellow poets I've befriended through it.

2013 is the year I became an atheist. Looking back, it was a long journey, possibly beginning when I was @ 6 or even younger. I know this may make some of the 2.3333 people reading this uncomfortable, but it has been one of the most important transitions of my life. I've grown up, learned to live life without a safety net. I have experienced the humbling realization that I am both stardust and dirt. Just like everyone else. A dot living on a speck, a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam. I have partaken of forbidden fruit of learning the joy and responsibility of doing good for its own sake, not for anticipating a celestial reward. I have been free to create my own morality, and reject anything that offends my principles. I've lived more of this decade as an unbeliever than as a believer, and I'm looking forward to one where I (presumably) will continue to light my own candle in the darkness. It's exhilarating.

So many hopes, goals, dreams abandoned or lost. I gained @ 40 pounds, lost them, gained them back, hope to lose them again and more. I wanted to write so much more than I was able to, I wanted to paint more than I could. Of course, I also wanted to go to heaven eventually too. It doesn't do well to dwell on what might have been. But it shouldn't be ignored either. I'm in the worst shape of my life and it aggravates my chronic pain. I'm hoping that, despite aging more rapidly and deterioratingly, I can improve my physical health, and my mental health. This decade was one where I confronted depression, attempted suicide (which I've done every decade I've been alive, nothing new there) but I also began taking better care of myself in other ways. I'm taking new medication that's helping. I'm in therapy more regularly which is also helping. I use a CPAP when I sleep which helps my body rest and curbs the depression. Wrenches in the works: I walked into oncoming traffic, I went to a mental health clinic for a week, tried cutting my wrists multiple times, I'm reading self-help books and truly trying to get better. I only see my mental state improving as I approach 47.

We lived in a condo for 8 years, @ 5 years longer than we wanted to. But it was our home for the majority of our marriage. We bought our home and I finally had a lawn of my own to mow (it was fun one time) and felt at last like an adult. This upcoming decade/year we're optimistic about finishing our basement and making repairs and updates to the rest of the home.

I lost people I knew and loved, and learned there were people I missed out on knowing due to stupid mortality. I'm not looking forward to the next decade. I've been extremely fortunate to have 4 living grandparents at my age, but they're all either at or approaching 90, so this may be a decade of many goodbyes. At least I won't have to say goodbye to my hair, I lost that when I was 15. (I deflect and joke when I feel things.)

I went to Florida, to San Diego, to St. George, and I was blessed enough by fate to get to go to those places and more with my dearest loved ones. I'm excited for the adventures and vacations of the 20's.

I'll celebrate my 15th and 20th wedding anniversaries with my best friend. (hopefully). I only love her more, despite the human tendency to often behave our worst to those we love best. I want to say more, but I fear getting too gooey schmoopy emotional, and besides, she knows how I feel about her.
But I'm excited for the possibilities of a new year and a new decade, a blank canvas, one we will all fill however we do, no matter how hard we try or don't. Let's go exploring.

On Mental Health: The B, the P, and the D

Let's start with another Questionnaire, since the last one felt helpful:

My relationships are very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to me.
True

My emotions change very quickly, and I experience intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks.
True

My level of anger is often inappropriate, intense, and difficult to control.
True

Now, or in the past, when upset, I have engaged in recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting, burning, or hitting myself.
True

I have a significant and persistently unstable image or sense of myself, or of who I am or what I truly believe in.
True

I have very suspicious ideas, and am even paranoid (falsely believe that others are plotting to cause me harm) at times; or I experience episodes under stress when I feel that I, other people, or the situation is somewhat unreal.
True

I engage in two or more self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
False

I engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by people who are close to me.
True

I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.
True

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If the title didn't give it away, I'll say it: I have Borderline Personality Disorder. 
I was diagnosed about a year ago. Since it's one of the most stigmatized and least understood mental illnesses around, I've been pretty secretive/private about it. I think I've only told 3 or 4 people who aren't therapists. 

Most of my life I've felt different, odd, and had strange moments with experiencing reality/disassociation. I often defined myself by relationships, and even then, never really had a stable image of self. (still true). Bipolar disorder didn't quite seem to fit. I've never had a manic episode for one. About 3 years ago when I had a suicidal episode (which I wrote about on my blog for those 1 1/2 people interested) my mental health improvement has been more on the forefront of my life. I've been seeing therapists pretty regularly since then. I even stayed in a mental health hospital for a week (also on this blog.) 

For about 2 years, Major Depressive Disorder seemed to fit my situation/mental state. It covered most of, but not all my neuroses/psychoses. I think part of me wanted to feel "special/unique," as well as have a better explanation/excuse for why I am the way I am. Depression was a huge factor of my identity/mind, but there seemed to be more to it than that. It wasn't a perfect fit, and I didn't think the therapy was resolving things like I felt it should. 

While living my life and living with a depression diagnosis-- My wife (who is a wizard/master of internet research), had me read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. I read a few articles and took a couple online tests about it. I think with the 'official' questionnaire (see above), you have to answer true on like 5 or 6 of them to be diagnosed with BPD. I answered true on 8 out of 9. It seemed pretty clear. But, not being one to just trust anything I read on the internet, (even when it's multiple sources) I spoke to my psychiatrist about it. 

I asked if she thought I should be tested or whatever to diagnose it. I wanted to discover if that might be my "problem(s)." When I asked, she acted like she already knew/of COURSE you have Borderline, Austin. Obvs. It would have been nice had she thought to include me on this decision, but ok then. Better late than never. Maybe I needed to pay more before telling me, like a Scientology type situation.

With the updated diagnosis, I've also been updated with new medication. It's been helpful, as has therapy, even if not as helpful as I'd prefer. 

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this now, or what exactly I want to say. I know I want to be more open, honest, and authentic. A lot of my issues with past and present relationships, behaviors, mindsets etc. seem to make a lot more sense now. 

My relationships are very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to me.
I've been told I "love with my whole heart," that things are "all or nothing with (me)," that I "lose myself in love." I thought my passion was a virtue, that unconditional love is a gift. But I've also been guilty of "splitting," of black and white thinking and behavior. If I can't be the best boyfriend/person/husband/anything, then I'm the absolute worst and don't deserve life. My self worth has been tied to anything from my artistic talent, writing ability, patience, pain level, sexual skill, generosity, worthiness, etc. etc. I frequently felt I suffered/suffer from "cripplingly low self-worth." I've also alternated regularly between pedestalizing my wife as the greatest person ever, and redirecting anger at her when I'm not perfect, she's not worthy of my love/doesn't appreciate the sacrifices I make. Madonna/Whore complex, tho never THAT far to either extreme. But I haven't always had an accurate picture of her. (Or me, or anyone tbh.)

My emotions change very quickly, and I experience intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks.
I often experience very volatile mood swings. Sometimes it manifests as random, unexpected feelings of overwhelming happiness. Sometimes (sadly more often) it's the depths of misery, despair, and self-loathing. Anxiety attacks were less common that bouts of despair, but they manifested too. 

My level of anger is often inappropriate, intense, and difficult to control.
I frequently bottle up emotion, especially anger, until I blow up and scream. Often directed at myself, other times directed at loved ones. Fortunately it's almost never presented itself as violence towards others (towards objects and myself, yes.) I've gotten bruises and cuts from hitting objects in frustration. A few scars on my fist and dents in my car are from my inability to control surging emotion.

Now, or in the past, when upset, I have engaged in recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting, burning, or hitting myself.
Suicidal thoughts, attempts, and ideation have been constant companions in my life at least as long as the chronic pain. (20+ years). Longer. The farthest back I can remember, I was @ 3 and I tore up drawings I made that weren't what I wanted them to be. Comparing myself to a much older sibling who I still think is better than me, I've always struggled with feeling good enough. Constant pain in my leg hasn't helped either. I often feel I have to try my hardest to match someone else's half assed attempts. Like they have 8 cylinders to run on, and I only have 4. I've tried to be good enough, always felt inadequate. In fact most of my life I've wished I was dead. Many times I've tried to be more proactive in that way. (i.e. suicide attempts.) Pills, cutting, drowning, blunt force, reckless driving, walking out in the middle of a highway. And self harm (usually hitting/whipping, often my head) was a constant coping technique for dealing with overwhelming emotion. I once choked myself so hard I felt my eyes bulging. I've left bruises on my chest, arms, and back many times. 

I have a significant and persistently unstable image or sense of myself, or of who I am or what I truly believe in.
I still don't really know "who I am." I don't understand why my friends like me, or I tell myself it's because I'm funny and if I stop being funny they won't like me or will leave me. I define myself and find worth in being the "best" husband, even if my wife might argue that. I've always accepted the reality I've been presented, which made my faith transition harder in some ways. I don't know how else to say yeah, I have an unstable image of myself. I don't understand how to have self-worth without tying it to being needed or useful. It's something I'm working on.

I have very suspicious ideas, and am even paranoid (falsely believe that others are plotting to cause me harm) at times; or I experience episodes under stress when I feel that I, other people, or the situation is somewhat unreal.
If someone acts in a way I don't understand, for example a random stranger gave me a piece of candy at a Halloween party last week, I assume it's because they're laughing at me behind my back. I think secretly nobody likes me and they pity me or they let me be around because of the company I keep, not because of me. I don't trust people when they say they like me, because I hate myself so deeply, how could they possibly like me?

I engage in two or more self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
I don't really do any of this, fortunately. I use some substances such as alcohol but I don't think I abuse them; at parties/gatherings I drink less than most of those partaking. I have been known to drive recklessly when overly emotional/despairing, but my sexual conduct has always been appropriate, in regards to fidelity and kink. In my opinion. Others' mileage may vary.

I engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by people who are close to me.
My greatest fear is being abandoned. I had an excellent childhood so I'm not sure where it comes from, other than a malfunctioning/Abby Normal brain. I often push others away when I begin fearing they'll leave me. It's been rough. I fortunately have an amazing partner who is patient and understanding nearly all the time, and so hasn't abandoned me yet. Even tho a large part of me wishes she would, because I tell myself then she'll be happy and find someone who deserves her and gives her all the things I can't.

I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.
All. The. Damn. Time. I'd rather do nothing 99% of the time. Nothing sounds appealing. I often fill my time with useless and unfulfilling activities like internet browsing, video games, etc. rather than things I know would bring me more fulfilling happiness. And often, even the things that ARE good for me and DO bring me lasting happiness leave me feeling empty/bored/suicidal. 

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Those of you with excellent taste in musical comedy sitcoms may notice the pictures from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. A show about a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't deny it helped me in recognizing and accepting my condition. I recommend it to anyone. And the characters and songs are the best. 

I've been living with the diagnosis about a year, while things seem better at times, other times they seem worse. It's gotten harder and harder for my wife to be my partner and rock of self worth and therapist and everything else I've needed her to be. So we've been working on improving our relationship, especially in regards to improving my mental health and mental contribution to our family and lives. 

I still feel overwhelmingly unworthy of her (when I'm not angry/scared and tell myself the lie that she doesn't deserve me. It's weird.) but I'm grateful I chose a spouse so patient, wise, understanding, etc. 
And of course grateful she (for whatever reason I honestly don't understand) chose me back. But I feel our partnership is in flux. I know/pretty confidently believe we'll stay together, but we're working on growing and changing for the better. In the meantime I'm looking for a new therapist (that makes 7 I think?) who's more experienced with BPD, as well as trying couple's therapy to help us cope with this change (hopefully for the healthier) in our relationship. 

I was hoping to feel relieved coming out this way, but I just feel jittery and a tad dissociative, like I'm standing over a cliff. I truly believe vulnerability and authenticity are two of the most important factors to living a happy and fulfilling life (thanks, Brene Brown), but I also know they're two of the hardest things to be. Being open about my mental illness I hope will do a small part in de-stigmatizing the disorder, will deepen OUR relationship, you and me, reader. I hope it will help me overcome or at least learn better how to deal with the issues I face. And I hope that my honesty may encourage others to do the same, to be authentic and vulnerable and in doing so, find more self-worth. Cuz I know that after 37 years, having no self-worth sucks. 

Taking it one day at a time, now I've spent a good few hours avoiding starting NaNoWriMo, might as well keep writing while I'm on a roll. 

Proust Questionnaire

I like filling out questionnaires on social media/fb in a tongue-in-cheek way. I know that they're often used for data mining, so I try to avoid accuracy for the sake of privacy and security. And I like to try to amuse others and myself... while being a tad mischievous. For some reason, I love doing this. 

But in doing so, in aiming to be as flippant as possible, I've felt inauthentic. For this questionnaire, I will be more honest than I usually am. 

If that’s not what you came for, sorry. I feel that sometimes it’s ok or even necessary to be open and vulnerable, even on the internet. At least that's what I’m telling myself. 

So, I'll stop filling out questionnaires when I get sick of them. 

Question: When will I get sick of them? Answer: Never.

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Having enough love, food, and time to be satisfied, and to ensure everyone else on earth has the same. Also an impossibly massive library and the time required to enjoy it.

What is your greatest fear?

The death of my children. The loss of free will.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Memory, vindictiveness, halitosis, and that chronic pain keeps me from the life I think I could have.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Dishonesty, bigotry, and intentional ignorance

Which living person do you most admire?

Bernie Sanders

What is your greatest extravagance?

Socks because I need so many. Food because it’s life and tasty. Miniatures because they're awesome.

What is your current state of mind?

Relieved and eager. A skosh sleepy. Getting hungrier.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Faith. 

What is your favorite virtue?
Humility or integrity

On what occasion do you lie?

To protect. 

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

It's harder to think what I like about it. I’ve never felt attractive. But especially baldness.

Which living person do you most despise?

45 

What qualities do you most like in a man?

Patience, grace, femininity, compassion

What qualities do you most like in a woman?

Strength, confidence, masculinity, wisdom

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Sebastian, thing, spicy, maybe

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Tracie. That one was easy.

When and where were you happiest?

When I can make others happy through service or laughter. And when I was in Virginia, in Italy, and with family.

Which talent would you most like to have?

guitar improvisation and maximized sexual allure

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Confidence. I would love to have some.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Fatherhood. Which is sad in a way, since to begin with, all I did was provide 50% of their genes in the most fun way possible. Hopefully my contribution since then has been more substantial, and less seminal. 

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

a person, with extreme self-worth and the ability to back it up. Or a panther, for the same reason.

Where would you most like to live?

close as possible to all my friends, and/or Umbria. Let's build a commune.

What is your most treasured possession?

I try not to treasure possessions. But I’m fond of my home, despite its need for constant maintenance and revisions. For me it represents success, security, and adulthood.

What is your favorite bird?
Magpie

What is your favorite flower?
Sunflower

What is your favorite color?
I don’t know that! I often say red, tho it was purple in my childhood. I don’t really have a favorite. Maybe Indigo.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

pointless pain and suffering, and powerlessness to help those suffering

What is your favorite occupation?

For me or other people? I guess it’s the same either way: artist/poet

What is your most marked characteristic?

a dire need for laughter in self and others. I'm often afraid if I don't make them laugh, they'll abandon me.

What do you most value in your friends?

compassion and understanding, good conversation

Who is your favorite painter?
Van Gogh, Velasquez, Matisse, Buonarotti, Duchamp, Hogarth, Manet, Morisot, Renoir, Gentileschi. The first 3 if I have to narrow it down. 

Who are your favorite writers?

Oscar Wilde, E.E. Cummings, Neil Gaiman, P.G. Wodehouse, JK Rowling

Who are your favorite poets?

E.E. Cummings, Robert Burns, Anne Sexton, Allen Ginsberg, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Sharon Olds, Ben Jonson

Who is your hero of fiction?

Jeeves, Jarlaxle, Bob the Skull, Hermione Granger, Lady Bracknell, Uncle Iroh

Which literary figure do you most identify with?

Marsyas, Amulek, The Marquis de Carabas, Zuko, and Chandler Bing

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Ben Franklin, Andy Warhol, Cassandra, St. Thomas, Robin Williams

Who are your heroes in real life?

Tim Minchin, Penn Jillette, Greta Thunberg, Malala Yousafzai, AOC, Alan Cumming, James Randi

Which five people would you have a dinner party with, living or dead?
I’d prefer living. But I’d pick Oscar Wilde, Noel Coward, Christopher Hitchens, Carrie Fisher, and Tracie B. The last one may seem like pandering, but I truly feel that I couldn't enjoy the best things in life without my partner to share them with. 

Who are your favorite musicians?

Freddie Mercury, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Buddy Guy, Les Claypool, Victor Borge, all 4 Beatles, 

What are your favorite names?

Tracie, Morgan, Lyra, Sera, Thalia, Aidan, Ariel, Athena, Hecate, Dionysus, Sebastian

What is it that you most dislike?

Intolerance and hate, and the ignorance they usually stem from

What is your greatest regret?

Missing the chance to say goodbye

How would you like to die?

Saving a life/lives

What is your motto?

Better to be sexy and racy than sexist and racist

On Resigning: My Thoughts on Leaving Mormonism on Easter

Originally posted on reddit, (not sure why I'm linking it, since it's the exact same content) after I resigned last April. Now I'm finally more ready to be more public/upfront about it.

I chose to resign from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints on April 1, 2018. Easter, a day to celebrate rebirth. A holy day the Christians appropriated from the Pagans. It seemed fitting. To exit from Christianity, take a day they view as sacred, and perform the sacrilege of saying "I quit," on the day they celebrate a man dying and coming back from the dead. There's some symbolism in the baptism about that very thing, and today is my reverse baptism I suppose.

I spent about 30 years of my life as a believing Mormon, and 5 years as an unbelieving Mormon. When I had my faith transition, when I stopped believing, I stayed in the church for various reasons. One being my understanding that they count you as a member anyway when they try to brag about their membership numbers, so what would be the point of resigning? I stayed partially due to my hope and fear that I was wrong; that I would rediscover the faith is led by God and I had been deceived. I stayed based on my theory that if I'm on the membership records they still have to deal with me and answer to me, even if it makes them uncomfortable. I stayed because I was afraid that leaving would break my grandparents’ hearts that their grandchild rejected the faith they so lovingly taught and instilled in him. And I stayed because I felt that if I were to resign, it would mean that my membership meant something/had some value in the first place, which, for the last few years, it hasn’t.

Whether they count me as a member or not once I resign, I won't count myself as a member. I feel it's a natural progression in my development of my faith transition/awakening. I no longer fear or even hope that this church is the true church of Jesus Christ. It's a business and a racket, with very little difference to any other corporation or religion, except it's the only one I once believed was more than it is. I no longer believe the theory that the leadership of Mormonism answer to me or have to deal with me. I'm confident they don't care about the one lost sheep, and my leaving won't make a ripple in any of the Mormon leadership's concern. I'm just an angry apostate who wasn't active or paying tithing anyway. I do fear hurting my grandparents, my parents, or any other loved one's feelings. But I need to live my life for me, not for them. Frankly I'd also like to test what I've been taught about those who leave and see if there are any significant changes, any dimming of the light, since apparently, I no longer have the gift of the Holy Ghost. My guess is I'll still have intuition and be nervous of danger, still have morals and compassion, but I suppose I'll find out.

I'm choosing to resign now because in addition to all the above reasons, I believe that if there is an omniscient and overall "good" deity who judges us, I stand more in danger of judgment if I stay in a faith that protects abusers and gaslights, shames, manipulates, and lies to its members, than I would if I say enough is enough and apostatize. (One of my new favorite words, "apostate," means escaped slave. Which is how I often feel).

I went to quitmormon.com and requested to have my membership records removed, thereby revoking my priesthood, my temple marriage, and the gift of the holy ghost. (Things I now feel are imaginary.) As I resigned, I expected to feel liberated, feel excited. But all I felt was numbness. The religion I once loved has devolved into an abomination of guilt, lucre, and lies. Or maybe it's always been that way, I just was blinded to it. If anything, I'm a bit saddened it took me this long.

Now that I've completely exited the cave/crossed the fence, I look forward to my future, and ponder how much I will, or should look to my past. The word "anti-Mormon" comes to mind.

Should I begin actively fighting against the faith? On one hand, I want my family and loved ones to see it for the manipulative money stealing guilt farm it is, a magic feather that dilutes their self-worth and sells them the lie that they can't be good or reach their full potential without their God and by extension the church. But I still feel that anything I would say, however well-intentioned and however true, my efforts would likely have the opposite effect. The members of the church whom I love would more likely entrench their heads in the sand and alienate themselves from me. Why is the desire to (in my mind, admittedly) help educate Mormons be “anti”?

Rather than confront, I'll continue watching and reading Atheist debates, preparing to defend my position and attack their beliefs in the discussions that will never happen, and in the conversations I'll never have.

I don't think I'll be the enemy of Mormons or Mormonism. It's a weird feeling to have. To hate the religion but love the religious. I love the Mormon people and want them to be free of it. I want them liberated because I view the church as corrupt and hindering to mental and emotional health. But any action I can think of to help them emancipate themselves from it would only be seen in an antagonistic light. Kicking against the pricks, leaving the church but not leaving it alone, or the narrative that I'm miserable and therefore I want to drag them down with me ("misery loves company").

I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, and I'll say, in the times I felt the most down and the most miserable, are the times I've wanted others to feel how I felt the very least. One reason I wanted to kill myself was because I didn't want to feel so miserable, and how I didn't want to be a source of misery to others. If misery loves company, it worships solitude, feeds on it. In fact, I'm starting to think the belief of ‘misery loving company’ is just another tactic that those in power utilize to keep their underlings obedient and distrusting of outsiders. If we defectors tell them we've jumped or fallen out of the boat only to discover the water is warm, shallow, perfectly safe, and even fun, they'll just tell themselves we want them to be miserable and/or we want to drag them into the unsafe water with us.

Originally I just tried putting a toe in the water, see how it felt. In the words of Carl Sagan (speaking of space travel but I think it's relevant): "we've waded a little way out, maybe ankle-deep, and the water seems inviting." Now I take the plunge, severing myself from their records. Free, yet admittedly still surrounded by Mormonism's influence, both as a resident of Utah, and as a member of families very much believing in the truth claims of Mormonism. Turning my back on what was an integral part of my identity because I've outgrown it, yet still entrenched and unsure if I'll ever be free of it. Here I am. A former Mormon still a bit in the dark if I'm walking into or away from the light. But eager to find out.