Let's start with another Questionnaire, since the last one felt helpful:
My relationships are very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to me.
True
My emotions change very quickly, and I experience intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks.
True
My level of anger is often inappropriate, intense, and difficult to control.
True
Now, or in the past, when upset, I have engaged in recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting, burning, or hitting myself.
True
I have a significant and persistently unstable image or sense of myself, or of who I am or what I truly believe in.
True
I have very suspicious ideas, and am even paranoid (falsely believe that others are plotting to cause me harm) at times; or I experience episodes under stress when I feel that I, other people, or the situation is somewhat unreal.
True
I engage in two or more self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
False
I engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by people who are close to me.
True
I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.
True
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If the title didn't give it away, I'll say it: I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I was diagnosed about a year ago. Since it's one of the most stigmatized and least understood mental illnesses around, I've been pretty secretive/private about it. I think I've only told 3 or 4 people who aren't therapists.
Most of my life I've felt different, odd, and had strange moments with experiencing reality/disassociation. I often defined myself by relationships, and even then, never really had a stable image of self. (still true). Bipolar disorder didn't quite seem to fit. I've never had a manic episode for one. About 3 years ago when I had a suicidal episode (which I wrote about on my blog for those 1 1/2 people interested) my mental health improvement has been more on the forefront of my life. I've been seeing therapists pretty regularly since then. I even stayed in a mental health hospital for a week (also on this blog.)
For about 2 years, Major Depressive Disorder seemed to fit my situation/mental state. It covered most of, but not all my neuroses/psychoses. I think part of me wanted to feel "special/unique," as well as have a better explanation/excuse for why I am the way I am. Depression was a huge factor of my identity/mind, but there seemed to be more to it than that. It wasn't a perfect fit, and I didn't think the therapy was resolving things like I felt it should.
While living my life and living with a depression diagnosis-- My wife (who is a wizard/master of internet research), had me read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. I read a few articles and took a couple online tests about it. I think with the 'official' questionnaire (see above), you have to answer true on like 5 or 6 of them to be diagnosed with BPD. I answered true on 8 out of 9. It seemed pretty clear. But, not being one to just trust anything I read on the internet, (even when it's multiple sources) I spoke to my psychiatrist about it.
I asked if she thought I should be tested or whatever to diagnose it. I wanted to discover if that might be my "problem(s)." When I asked, she acted like she already knew/of COURSE you have Borderline, Austin. Obvs. It would have been nice had she thought to include me on this decision, but ok then. Better late than never. Maybe I needed to pay more before telling me, like a Scientology type situation.
With the updated diagnosis, I've also been updated with new medication. It's been helpful, as has therapy, even if not as helpful as I'd prefer.
I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this now, or what exactly I want to say. I know I want to be more open, honest, and authentic. A lot of my issues with past and present relationships, behaviors, mindsets etc. seem to make a lot more sense now.
My relationships are very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to me.
I've been told I "love with my whole heart," that things are "all or nothing with (me)," that I "lose myself in love." I thought my passion was a virtue, that unconditional love is a gift. But I've also been guilty of "splitting," of black and white thinking and behavior. If I can't be the best boyfriend/person/husband/anything, then I'm the absolute worst and don't deserve life. My self worth has been tied to anything from my artistic talent, writing ability, patience, pain level, sexual skill, generosity, worthiness, etc. etc. I frequently felt I suffered/suffer from "cripplingly low self-worth." I've also alternated regularly between pedestalizing my wife as the greatest person ever, and redirecting anger at her when I'm not perfect, she's not worthy of my love/doesn't appreciate the sacrifices I make. Madonna/Whore complex, tho never THAT far to either extreme. But I haven't always had an accurate picture of her. (Or me, or anyone tbh.)
My emotions change very quickly, and I experience intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks.
I often experience very volatile mood swings. Sometimes it manifests as random, unexpected feelings of overwhelming happiness. Sometimes (sadly more often) it's the depths of misery, despair, and self-loathing. Anxiety attacks were less common that bouts of despair, but they manifested too.
My level of anger is often inappropriate, intense, and difficult to control.
I frequently bottle up emotion, especially anger, until I blow up and scream. Often directed at myself, other times directed at loved ones. Fortunately it's almost never presented itself as violence towards others (towards objects and myself, yes.) I've gotten bruises and cuts from hitting objects in frustration. A few scars on my fist and dents in my car are from my inability to control surging emotion.
Now, or in the past, when upset, I have engaged in recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting, burning, or hitting myself.
Suicidal thoughts, attempts, and ideation have been constant companions in my life at least as long as the chronic pain. (20+ years). Longer. The farthest back I can remember, I was @ 3 and I tore up drawings I made that weren't what I wanted them to be. Comparing myself to a much older sibling who I still think is better than me, I've always struggled with feeling good enough. Constant pain in my leg hasn't helped either. I often feel I have to try my hardest to match someone else's half assed attempts. Like they have 8 cylinders to run on, and I only have 4. I've tried to be good enough, always felt inadequate. In fact most of my life I've wished I was dead. Many times I've tried to be more proactive in that way. (i.e. suicide attempts.) Pills, cutting, drowning, blunt force, reckless driving, walking out in the middle of a highway. And self harm (usually hitting/whipping, often my head) was a constant coping technique for dealing with overwhelming emotion. I once choked myself so hard I felt my eyes bulging. I've left bruises on my chest, arms, and back many times.
I have a significant and persistently unstable image or sense of myself, or of who I am or what I truly believe in.
I still don't really know "who I am." I don't understand why my friends like me, or I tell myself it's because I'm funny and if I stop being funny they won't like me or will leave me. I define myself and find worth in being the "best" husband, even if my wife might argue that. I've always accepted the reality I've been presented, which made my faith transition harder in some ways. I don't know how else to say yeah, I have an unstable image of myself. I don't understand how to have self-worth without tying it to being needed or useful. It's something I'm working on.
I have very suspicious ideas, and am even paranoid (falsely believe that others are plotting to cause me harm) at times; or I experience episodes under stress when I feel that I, other people, or the situation is somewhat unreal.
If someone acts in a way I don't understand, for example a random stranger gave me a piece of candy at a Halloween party last week, I assume it's because they're laughing at me behind my back. I think secretly nobody likes me and they pity me or they let me be around because of the company I keep, not because of me. I don't trust people when they say they like me, because I hate myself so deeply, how could they possibly like me?
I engage in two or more self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
I don't really do any of this, fortunately. I use some substances such as alcohol but I don't think I abuse them; at parties/gatherings I drink less than most of those partaking. I have been known to drive recklessly when overly emotional/despairing, but my sexual conduct has always been appropriate, in regards to fidelity and kink. In my opinion. Others' mileage may vary.
I engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by people who are close to me.
My greatest fear is being abandoned. I had an excellent childhood so I'm not sure where it comes from, other than a malfunctioning/Abby Normal brain. I often push others away when I begin fearing they'll leave me. It's been rough. I fortunately have an amazing partner who is patient and understanding nearly all the time, and so hasn't abandoned me yet. Even tho a large part of me wishes she would, because I tell myself then she'll be happy and find someone who deserves her and gives her all the things I can't.
I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.
All. The. Damn. Time. I'd rather do nothing 99% of the time. Nothing sounds appealing. I often fill my time with useless and unfulfilling activities like internet browsing, video games, etc. rather than things I know would bring me more fulfilling happiness. And often, even the things that ARE good for me and DO bring me lasting happiness leave me feeling empty/bored/suicidal.
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Those of you with excellent taste in musical comedy sitcoms may notice the pictures from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. A show about a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't deny it helped me in recognizing and accepting my condition. I recommend it to anyone. And the characters and songs are the best.
I've been living with the diagnosis about a year, while things seem better at times, other times they seem worse. It's gotten harder and harder for my wife to be my partner and rock of self worth and therapist and everything else I've needed her to be. So we've been working on improving our relationship, especially in regards to improving my mental health and mental contribution to our family and lives.
I still feel overwhelmingly unworthy of her (when I'm not angry/scared and tell myself the lie that she doesn't deserve me. It's weird.) but I'm grateful I chose a spouse so patient, wise, understanding, etc.
And of course grateful she (for whatever reason I honestly don't understand) chose me back. But I feel our partnership is in flux. I know/pretty confidently believe we'll stay together, but we're working on growing and changing for the better. In the meantime I'm looking for a new therapist (that makes 7 I think?) who's more experienced with BPD, as well as trying couple's therapy to help us cope with this change (hopefully for the healthier) in our relationship.
I was hoping to feel relieved coming out this way, but I just feel jittery and a tad dissociative, like I'm standing over a cliff. I truly believe vulnerability and authenticity are two of the most important factors to living a happy and fulfilling life (thanks, Brene Brown), but I also know they're two of the hardest things to be. Being open about my mental illness I hope will do a small part in de-stigmatizing the disorder, will deepen OUR relationship, you and me, reader. I hope it will help me overcome or at least learn better how to deal with the issues I face. And I hope that my honesty may encourage others to do the same, to be authentic and vulnerable and in doing so, find more self-worth. Cuz I know that after 37 years, having no self-worth sucks.
Taking it one day at a time, now I've spent a good few hours avoiding starting NaNoWriMo, might as well keep writing while I'm on a roll.
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