I know time is relative and dates are arbitrary. But, it's the last day of the year and of the decade. It seems an appropriate, if cliche, time to reflect on what this decade has brought, and who I was, who I am, and maybe who I'll be. Plus I have to be at work but there's little for me to do, so here we go.
The 2010's and me: a reflection
I began the decade as a new father of a 6 month old boy. A husband of 3 1/2 years. A less than active but fully believing Mormon. A graphic design student, working shitty jobs after shitty jobs. I had to get a new one nearly every semester, since I was utterly replaceable, any time I needed a schedule change to adjust my work to my education, it was easier for them to let me go.
Throughout the decade, I aged ten years. (unique). I graduated college with a Bachelor's of Science in Art & Visual Communication with an emphasis in Graphic Design. It took me 13 years of part-time and time off to get a 4 year degree. But I earned that bad boy. I got my first full time design job. I got a better job with some of the greatest people I've ever met. (and some of the most two-faced slimeballs I ever met). I set a record of having the same job for 3.5 years, and then for 4.5 years. (previous record was 1 year). I've done freelance design for local and national companies, designed book covers for fun and profit, and (knock on wood) my career seems to be only looking up.
This was my decade of new parenthood. My son went from an infant to a 10 year old artistic and comedic genius. He was diagnosed with autism. He fell out of a window (and was fine). (The time in this post is not linear.) He became a brother. My daughter was born at home and turned 4. (not at the same time). She's an empathetic prodigy, and an evil genius. I learned the greatest joys of my life are watching them play together and read stories or play games. I've never felt more happiness than when I'm holding them both on my lap. In 10 years time (assuming we don't blow up the planet or other tragedy strikes) they'll be 20 and 14. I'll be 47. They might have a new sibling or more. But I kind of hope not. I struck gold twice, searching for more seems greedy. But also, I have enough disabilities and problems I feel 2 is my limit. But, you never know what tomorrow brings. I'm lucky to have the world's best partner. We've continued some family traditions and created others.
I turn 40 this decade. Not looking forward to that. Fortunately in a way, I've felt older than I am most of my life (combination of an old soul (I was once an Egyptian princess obvs ;) ) and having survived cancer ages your mind and body considerably.) so hitting the big four-oh won't be too big of a deal. This year I've transitioned somewhat as I look back at my past at how far back it goes. I'm middle aged, if I'm lucky. It's more time between now and Back to the Future than it was between Back to the Future and the 1950's he traveled to. (spoilers). Aging has almost always been premature for me. Balding, worsening eyesight, hearing loss, weight gain, bitterness, I've always been ahead of the curve where I don't want to be. I'm nervous about my mortality, as longevity is not something often associated with childhood cancer survivors. But, to echo my last paragraph, you never know what tomorrow brings. Maybe I'll get a robot leg or stem cells that finally eliminate the pain I've been dragging around since 1997.
I met and maintained the friendships I hope I'll sustain throughout the rest of my life. School friends I made in a class I took my final semester on a whim have been some of my closest friends of my life. (I'll get more into that later (foreshadowing!) but part of that is my improved or at least improved recognition of my mental health, and my ability to feel safe enough to open up and be myself, something it's been harder than near anything to do with any kind of regularity.) I've enjoyed my great passion in life which has turned out to be roleplaying games, specifically Dungeons and Dragons (don't knock it til you tried it, there's nothing quite like it.) and in those games met many amazing people and cultivated friendships with most of them. Because of the poetry class I took on a whim, I joined a poetry group after graduation that has been a ray of light in my life, both because creativity is essential for complete happiness, and because of my fellow poets I've befriended through it.
2013 is the year I became an atheist. Looking back, it was a long journey, possibly beginning when I was @ 6 or even younger. I know this may make some of the 2.3333 people reading this uncomfortable, but it has been one of the most important transitions of my life. I've grown up, learned to live life without a safety net. I have experienced the humbling realization that I am both stardust and dirt. Just like everyone else. A dot living on a speck, a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam. I have partaken of forbidden fruit of learning the joy and responsibility of doing good for its own sake, not for anticipating a celestial reward. I have been free to create my own morality, and reject anything that offends my principles. I've lived more of this decade as an unbeliever than as a believer, and I'm looking forward to one where I (presumably) will continue to light my own candle in the darkness. It's exhilarating.
So many hopes, goals, dreams abandoned or lost. I gained @ 40 pounds, lost them, gained them back, hope to lose them again and more. I wanted to write so much more than I was able to, I wanted to paint more than I could. Of course, I also wanted to go to heaven eventually too. It doesn't do well to dwell on what might have been. But it shouldn't be ignored either. I'm in the worst shape of my life and it aggravates my chronic pain. I'm hoping that, despite aging more rapidly and deterioratingly, I can improve my physical health, and my mental health. This decade was one where I confronted depression, attempted suicide (which I've done every decade I've been alive, nothing new there) but I also began taking better care of myself in other ways. I'm taking new medication that's helping. I'm in therapy more regularly which is also helping. I use a CPAP when I sleep which helps my body rest and curbs the depression. Wrenches in the works: I walked into oncoming traffic, I went to a mental health clinic for a week, tried cutting my wrists multiple times, I'm reading self-help books and truly trying to get better. I only see my mental state improving as I approach 47.
We lived in a condo for 8 years, @ 5 years longer than we wanted to. But it was our home for the majority of our marriage. We bought our home and I finally had a lawn of my own to mow (it was fun one time) and felt at last like an adult. This upcoming decade/year we're optimistic about finishing our basement and making repairs and updates to the rest of the home.
I lost people I knew and loved, and learned there were people I missed out on knowing due to stupid mortality. I'm not looking forward to the next decade. I've been extremely fortunate to have 4 living grandparents at my age, but they're all either at or approaching 90, so this may be a decade of many goodbyes. At least I won't have to say goodbye to my hair, I lost that when I was 15. (I deflect and joke when I feel things.)
I went to Florida, to San Diego, to St. George, and I was blessed enough by fate to get to go to those places and more with my dearest loved ones. I'm excited for the adventures and vacations of the 20's.
I'll celebrate my 15th and 20th wedding anniversaries with my best friend. (hopefully). I only love her more, despite the human tendency to often behave our worst to those we love best. I want to say more, but I fear getting too gooey schmoopy emotional, and besides, she knows how I feel about her.
But I'm excited for the possibilities of a new year and a new decade, a blank canvas, one we will all fill however we do, no matter how hard we try or don't. Let's go exploring.
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