June 5: Day 32

June 5 2025
Daily Pages
Day 32



I spent the train ride editing the "Aydane and Talia" fantasy story I wrote 12+ years ago. I'm really enjoying it. Even tho it still has copious problems I don't think I'm going to spend the time to solve them all, I'm glad I'm solving some.

I usually write daily pages on the train, and then spend my time in the trax editing. So I mixed it up today. In case there actually is anyone reading this, I want you to know I HAVE been writing nearly every weekday every morning. Nothing like fiction or poetry, basically just journaling. I think it's been helpful, and it's good to be past day 30 and still keeping up the habit.

I've stopped taking muscle relaxers at night, as I felt it was making me disproportionately weaker, and the cons were outweighing the pros. I was only taking 1/2 a small dose, but I hope this means my fitness goals will come easier to me. It WOULD explain why I've felt more difficulty doing pushups after taking pills than earlier. Duh.


I can't spend too much time on this, I have a freelance project I said I'd have done last night that I forgot because *gestures broadly at everything* life is exhausting. We live in a capitalist dystopian hellscape, and act like everything is fine. For years we tried struggling, hoping we could stop surviving and thrive a little bit. Now we're realigning our priorities/lowering our standards. Now survival seems like victory in itself.


I want to be a public speaker. I want to make a change, make a difference. I want to run for office, but no one will elect me, and people who understand the nuance of the law and how to manipulate it will likely humiliate and/or curbstomp me (figuratively, I hope.)


I want to point out the injustice. I don't know if it was the influence of medical marijana yesterday, but I really felt like everything is set up to keep the lower classes down and the upper classes up. From having to commute to a job to give them the opportunity to exploit you and steal the value of your labor, to the American Dream of owning a home, to having to spend energy and spoons I could have used to try to better my situation, I instead had to spend mowing a lawn I don't care about, growing grass I can't eat. Watching Andor, a show about rebellion and hope, and how people who fight against the empire, even if they "win," still die. And they're fictional, and in much better shape than I am.


And what's possibly worse, I see the exploitation and the abuse, and a large part of me doesn't want to try to "better" my situation. I'd rather be poor and bitter than wealthy and exploitative. I can hope against hope I can better my situation through internal focus, like therapy, meditation, buddhism, internal family systems, denial, entertainment, video games, etc. I can maybe one day sell my writing. I don't know if I'd pay to read any of it tho. And I'm unsure if it's because I wrote it, or because I think it's bad/mediocre. I'd rather be bad than mediocre. At least badness often brings humor, even if (especially if) unintentionally. Mediocrity is much worse. Even god hates mediocrity. As I mumble something about don't be lukewarm, be hot or cold or I'll spit you out. I'd prefer god spit rather than swallow.


Worried about job security, for myself and others. Another way they keep us in line. Wish George Carlin was still alive. But even if he was, it's not like people listened to him. I mean it's not like people did anything about our shitty situation. Born into a losing struggle, we all have a terminal illness called life, yadda yadda.


Still having this midlife crisis, y'all. I don't know what I want. Wanting anything feels criminal and unethical. It'd be cool if people wanted to buy a book I made, I'm hoping 10-20 friends will pay for Amazazing/Thalia (the spelling is different, so it's not named after the character, ok?) Shoot, now I'm referencing daily pages/journal entries that only I have read. Mwahaha. Maybe one day my biographer will see this and think "oh." Not laugh, not a great revelation, but an "oh." That's all I can hope for right now. The weather continues charming.