Dec 27, 2007

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member

My dear Tracie told me I haven't written just a random post or rant in awhile. With her permission, I'll quote what she said this post could be about. "whatever you want, musings, rantings, creativeness, how great I am, do a survey, write more facts about austin, share a memory, write a funny random post, like a list of things that bug you."

So, in true Austin fashion. I'll do just that. All of the above. Etc.

But first of all, notice the new blog features. A poll at the bottom and a few links on the side. Take the time to take the poll, and you can go to the links if you like. I enjoy each immensely.

Whatever I want
Well, since I already got pretty much everything I want for Christmas, I'll skip this one for now. Other than saying that when you get everything your heart desires, you don't feel empty inside. Your stomach does the cha cha, your heart does the conga, and your lungs do the paso doble. It's a remarkable feeling.

I think it's funny that they say putting a big mirror in your living room makes the room look bigger. We have a very big mirror in ours, and no one has ever said, "Wow! This place is huge! Look, Margaret, they have a whole nother room in here! It looks just like the one we're in! What the-- How did I get in there?" Though, in all fairness, none of our friends are idiots.

If I ever have a stalker, I'm going to take a bunch of different pictures of him (or her) and leave them lying around all over my house. Then, when he (or she) breaks in, they'll see the pictures and go "What the-!? How did he get pictures of me? I feel so violated! Is that how this feels? Sheesh. I'm stopping right now." Then I'll sick my rottweiler/doberman mix attack dogs at them.

I haven't ranted in awhile. So, I'll just quote Family Guy, or rather, Dennis Miller on Family Guy.

Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf making out with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam.I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Well, the only creativeness I've done lately revolves around my slowly progressing novel, so, here's an excerpt.

The kingdom of Kotas was the pride of the citizens from the lowliest peasant to the richest lord, the green kingdom was loved by all. The good king Eckred’s throne room was always a busy place, except for the king. Eckred believed his people were too important for him to deliberate about in a palace, so he was often among his own people, whether helping a local farmer sow crop, mediate a dispute among his barons, or fighting in his armies to push back invaders and encroachers. We’ll learn more about him (and even meet him!) later, but our scene takes place in the throne room with Talia.

The long bearded but perpetually sweaty Steward of Kotas, Piffle (yes, that was his real name) took it upon himself to act in what way he felt the king would, and spent his days in the polished halls of Kotas Castle trying to interact with the populace the best he could. This particular day, Piffle spent most of his time meeting adventurers and fortune seekers, who Piffle found to be at best insane for going on so many deadly expeditions simply for wealth, or “adventure” though he did so enjoy to hear them tell of their exploits, and admittedly slightly guilty in rewarding a bit more richly those that had more interesting or deadly sounding adventures than even those whose adventures benefited the crown more.

The beautiful cinnamon haired Talia (it may sound like a silly comparison, but Talia’s hair truly looked like cinnamon) was a regular in the halls, as her devotion to the kingdom (and her skill as an adventurer) rivaled none.

A rather short (even for an elf) elf with pompous looking robes had finished his tale and collected his prize walked out of the throne room carrying a large back jingling with gold, as he passed Talia he gave her a rather lewd look, and remarked, “Good luck, he’s in a mood today.” Talia was not surprised, Piffle the steward was always in some kind of mood. Though she was more annoyed att his elf's brazen leer, she would teach the little elf a big lesson, were she not next to speak with Piffle.

The throne room of castle Kotas was said to be the most beautiful and expensive room in the castle, if not the entire kingdom. The floors were black marble, polished so as to sparkle like clear undisturbed water at midnight. The walls were filled with alcoves holding some of the great and significant treasures of Kotas: The diamond sword bestowed upon the first king, Dromind, the golden armor of his son Hanpol, in which he slayed the fearsome firey dragon Xul’raxxamagretaconachofinkobinkozimmyzummygummyslat, the mystical ivory musical box of princess Dumi, which no one had ever opened. (Of course, no one had ever tried). Talia, washed up and looking her best, approached the sweaty steward, and prepared herself for the formal speech of archaic Kotasi, which she somehow spoke and Piffle was quite fond of using.

“Greetingseth, nobleth Stewardeth ofeth Kotas. Eth. I haveth cometh toeth announceth thateth I eth haveth defeatedeth the Blackmasketh campeth thateth hadeth stoleneth the eth kingeth’s treasureth. Manyeth are deadeth, the eth otherseth areth noweth ineth prisoneth.”

“Dear Talia, there be no great need to speak in the old tongue here. Middle speech will suffice. What is it you want?”

Talia sighed. She hated middle speech worse than old speech. The middle speech of Kotas consisted of arguing back and forth with shows of humility, sometimes for hours, about how undeserving each party is, until they reached a proper settlement.

“Well, you saideth I mean said I would be rewarded, but service to the king is my greatest reward.”

“Oh, Talia, no. For you have done our kingdom proud, and the king thanks you. But please, you are so deserving of the treasure you have collected, I implore you to take it.”

“Nay, kind steward. I have brought traitors and heathens to justice, and one in service of the crown cannot ask for more.”

“But Talia. The king has little need of this treasure…”

They went on like this for quite awhile until she walked out with her treasure, though she insisted half of it go to the poor and needy, and she would be shocked if the steward didn’t take his share.

“Before she left, the steward’s apprentice, the Vice Steward approached her and said, “Come back tomorrow. There is a quest that King Eckred has for you, and you alone. One of much importance and prestige.”

Talia thanked him, promised she would return, and walked through Kotas at dusk to her abode. The sun painted the buildings purple and orange, and, though she had seen it hundreds of times, Talia marveled at the beauty of the city.

Talia spent that night in her home, or hovel is more like it. While she enjoyed the adventurer’s life, Kotas was the center of civilization, and she liked having a place to call her own, at least when she was in town.

To call Talia’s home modest was an understatement. There were holes in the roof, it was terribly dusty since she spent less than a night a month there, and it was terrible small; more of a room than a house. But it was hers. Talia smiled to herself as she surrendered to her night’s sleep, thinking of the silly bureaucracies and double talk they have to put up with just to do her job, and she wondered what tomorrow would bring.

How great I am
Tracie is so great. Great great great. She's great. My wife is really the best.

Do a survey
Do I like Beans?
Do I like George Wendt? George Wendt? What has he done since Cheers? Anything?
Would I like to see a movie with George Wendt eating beans? Not particularly.
How about Beans eating George Wendt? Now that's just silly. Of course!

Write more facts about Austin
Austin likes bubble baths.
Austin loves Tracie's new black bean chicken burritos
Austin wishes he was ambidextrous just so he could use that word in his everyday speech more often.

Share a memory
I was supposed to do the laundry at lunch today. I forgot.

Write a random funny post

Write a list of things that bug you

My thanks to the writers of Scrubs for giving me Dr. Cox's rant that I will paraphrase for my own evil purposes.

I suppose I could riff a list of things that bug me. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Democratic National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, Rosie O'Donnell, Barbara Walters for letting her on the View then firing her, the View, every hybrid car, people that say we don't know what it was like in Vietnam who have never been to Vietnam, people who badmouth our president, people that don't badmouth the president, Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, the state of cartoons today, taking out the garbage, having a metal leg, Cholera, Dr. Elmo, Michael Vick, war, people who "get" Andy Kaufman, Andy Kaufman.

That's about all I can think of for now.


lynette said...

Well, this was definitely random and hilarious! Especially about the mirror thing... it's so true

Now, go do that laundry!

ammon said...

I also refuse to join any club that would have you as a member. Congrats on your progress on the novel. What's the total wordcount so far? I'm glad to see it taking shape. I do have a couple of issues with it, however. 1) Wise Steward is my father-in-law, 2) wasn't Piffle one of the fools from that Dragon Master game Nana and Grandpa had? and 3) there is noooooooooooooo number 3! 4) That's all, good work.

AJ said...

But aren't you ambidextrous?

That is, to say, don't you paint with a different hand you write with?

I could've sworn you used to use both...


Heather said...




Heather said...



Seth and I are still laughing our heads off!

Awesome read!

kristyl104 said...

You are the king of Random sayings. You crack us all up. Thanks for the smile on my face.

Charlo said...

I vote for musings.