So far I've done daily pages every day for a week. Go me. Sorry to my unaudience I kept the extra personal stuff personal, but I promise I wrote on those days as well. #accountability
Even if I don't think anyone is reading this, cuz 2025 and wtf are blogs, I still wanna keep my private life private. Plus when it involves other people I wanna respect their privacy too. And I'm realizing if I keep talking I'll negate the aforementioned privacy, so Imma stop now. Is Imma capitalized? Maybe when it's a name. idk.
I don't remember what I've written publicly so far and what I haven't. Don't bother to forgive me if I'm repeating myself. But this is a journal I'm writing on a public blog, so there's gonna be some repetition. There's gonna be. Some repetition.
I'm realizing a lot of my life is dominated by fear. A lot. And after "Strictly Ballroom" was my favorite movie for so long. I'm ashamed of my fear and allowing it to make me live a half life.
I'm reading 2 books (well 2 1/2. Well 4. But let's focus on the two). One is "No Bad Parts," by Dick Schwartz (great p*rnstar name. I like that I bleeped p*rnstar. But I'm down with saying "fuck" when the situation calls for it. (also, "the situation" would be a cool nickname, if it wasn't already in use. I'm the situation, and I'm calling for it.))
No Bad Parts asserts we're all made of various parts and personalities, and most of them are formed in childhood during traumatic events when they get stuck, frozen, or burdened in one place. Through IFS, Internal Family Systems, we can talk to those parts and show compassion and love and understanding and gratitude (that's a lot, but it's good) to them to help them become unblended, unburdened, healthier and happier. It's changing my life. Our life. W/e.
The other book is "The Way Out," which is about overcoming chronic pain. IDK if you know this, but I've had near constant pain for 27 ish years since the cancer in my teenage years. It's affected and poisoned and muted and colored and ruined my life. At least I've blamed a lot on it.
Anyway, I'm realizing 1) so many of my parts are rooted in fear. Afraid of ridicule. Afraid of pain. Afraid of death. Afraid of abandonment. That's a big one I didn't realize affects me a lot. I mean I should have, cuz BPD.
And 2) a lot of my chronic pain, if not most or all of it, also has a root in fear. Fear of pain returning. Fear of cancer returning. Fear of getting better. Because without pain, who am I?
So my thought was to list out my fears today, in effort to face them and deal with them. It looks like I already started doing that, so that's fun. #efficiency.
I'm afraid of a lot. I'm working on calming and comforting myself, as well as learning to be ok with the fear. It's going... ok. (Also, i'm running out of time to have daily pages AND list all my fears. Cuz I DO have a job I have to work on a little bit. Allegedly.)
this is enough for my needs for today. Tho I will end on this thought:
If my bday is on Sunday this year, can we call it "Auster?" or would that be sacrilegious?
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