April 29 Daily Pages: Day 14

 2 weeks (well, the equivalent) of doing daily pages. Ugh I'm supposed to do it longhand, according to Julia Cameron. But, while I do have long hands, they get tired writing things out. And this way I don't have to remember a pen and notebook. Just an internet connection. And it's 2025 baby. Much easier to come by than a pen and paper. 

What do I want to talk about today? That's fit for being possibly read by strangers or worse, loved ones. My third IFS therapy session was yesterday. It was better than the first 2 combined. In retrospect I was harder on the therapist than I needed to be. I'm comparing my relationship with her to that of my last therapist, who I've known several years and spoken to weekly. 

My session was mostly a conversation between 2 diverging parts of my personality/self. One part I called the Capitalist, who wants to succeed, to have lots of money and security, to excel in my career and climb the ladder. He wants to give his family lots of material wealth and go on lots of vacations. The other part I called the Communist. He wants to sell all he has and give to the poor. To try to serve others as much as possible. He both wants to do good, but also be seen as good. 

For a very long time I've felt stuck between the two. And while balance is probably the best foot forward, I haven't felt balanced. I've felt trapped. Like stuck in a dilemma, and instead of walking forward with both held hand in hand, I've felt like they're both pulling me their individual directions so much that I'm just frozen in place. Stagnant. 

I don't think I solved anything. But I did let them both talk which was helpful. It let me be more in my core self. Who I think is likely to progress me further than any of them. Instead of fighting over the steering wheel of Austin, they're agreeing to act as counselors/advisors. Because I've been afraid of listening to the Capitalist too much that I change as a person, becoming more selfish, greedy, narrow minded. As well as the common parable of the man who climbed to the top of the mountain, sacrificing everything in the process, only to discover how lonely and meaningless his achievement was. But the fear of listening to the Compassionate Communist is homelessness myself. Or no matter how much effort and energy I try to put into helping others, all the sorrow and pain and suffering on earth remain, and it amounts to precisely nothing overall.

So yeah, I think listening to/allowing my mind to stay in core self longer is the best solution. I will keep these 2 divergent parts as part of me. Not ignoring, shunning, or shaming them. But becoming unblended. More fruit salad than smoothie, I'm becoming increasingly fond of saying. 

We had our annual poetry retreat this weekend. I wrote about it extensively in my personal journal, but I want to mark it publicly as well. I've done it probably 7 or more times. It's one of my favorite days of the year. Unfortunately this was my least favorite stay there. I still got some really good (IMHO natch) poetry out of it. But in the past, it's been a joy to be in the creative act with people I love an entire day, in the Provo Canyon/Sundance. This year significantly less so. 

I am making a renewed effort to finish editing my complete works (1982-2022 edition) so I can move on to other things. Stay tuned.