Feb 16, 2011

Date Up

No, this isn't in reference to when I started going out with Tracie and began dating "up." It's the word "Update" all mixed up. No, really. Go ahead. See for yourself. The "Up" is after the "Date," where normally it goes before. It's mixed up to show how I currently feel. Feel I up mixed. Cool, huh? Why, is our dearest Austin mixed up you ask? Sigh. Where do I start? Why not at the end?

School is insane. I feel simultaneously brilliant and stupid at the same time. Yes, I know that what I just said is redundant redundant. Typography is a great class with a great teacher, it really is. But the teacher moved the deadline for our project to next Wednesday instead of the week after that, and I also have to find 20 examples of Typography I like and trace them all by that same Wednesday. And trace an entire typeface (I've chosen Baskerville).

Rendering the Human Head is better than it used to be now that we actually draw people instead of skulls. My drawing has improved vastly already, I'll try to post some pictures to prove it, but probably not, as I'm busy and have about a thousand things to do before posting my moderate artistic abilities growth.

My novel/la is coming along decently enough. I am beginning to understand what Anne Lamott meant by "sh!@#y first drafts" as it is quite, as my mother might hear, "sheddy." But, the revision is the next step, I'm just writing the darn thing. It's quite fun to finally put down the story I've been thinking about for several years now, hopefully it will soon be a bestseller coming to a bookstore near you. (But not Borders...) I'm a few hundred words ahead of where we're supposed to be, so I haven't had to write it outside of class, which has been helpful.

Interactive Design is still my favorite, though they give us too many stipulations which somewhat hampers my creativity, such as only use 2 columns if that, and only use 2 colors for your website. But, the limit on creativity does have the side effect of increasing my technical knowledge, so that's something.

Work is wonderful as always except for the small fact that I want to take my level 1 certification and start getting paid an extra dollar or two dollars an hour more. I've been doing the job of a level 1 certified tech support agent (Scan Technician as we're called) over a year now, it'd be nice to be paid accordingly. But, they are very understanding and helpful and fun, and I'd rather work here than just about anywhere.

Home which I personally feel should be a refuge against the harsh world is instead a war zone, thanks to the effects of Hurricane Morgan. We clean and we clean but he just makes messes and breaks things faster than we can put them away. He's lucky he's the cutest boy in the world, otherwise he'd be the I don't know what. I don't understand how people can have more than one child, I really don't. We have now painted his room and the living room, now just the office and our bedroom to go. We have a long to do list of decorating things I also need to work on in what little spare time I have between schoolwork and homework and workwork and Morganplaying and housecleanibg.

On top of all the topsy turvy emotions going on, we recently found out that Morgan may be autistic. I didn't want to talk about it but it's been eating me up inside so much I have to at least mention it. We went to the doctor to get his shots and for his 18 month checkup and the doctor remarked that his language development (or lack thereof) is troubling. He jabbers and babbles but doesn't say many comprehensible words besides "mom" and "dad." (papa and 'fuff' for food and 'gum' for come on are the only other ones I can currently think of.)

Some of you may know I have a brother with special needs and an autistic cousin, and I really really don't want an autistic child. I've ranged on emotions like threatening Heavenly Father to leave the church if my son is autistic to begging and pleading with Heavenly Father not to let him be that way. I don't want an autistic child. I love my brother and the relationship I have with him, but at the same time I feel like we were cheated out of a real relationship because of his disability.

I'm not looking for reassurance or platitudes, I'm just opening up about it in hopes for some catharsis.

It's difficult to see friends whose children are speaking and developing like 'normal' children when my own isn't. I've actually been avoiding a few friends lately because it's been too hard/painful.

I love my son more than just about anything. I won't love him any less no matter what's wrong or not wrong with him. But I want to have a real relationship with him, I want him to have a family of his own someday, not be stuck in a home or something his whole life. I also realize that this is all very premature, he could just be developing language slowly, he's meeting or exceeding most other development milestones. I'm just afraid because I know what it's like and don't want it for anyone. I still have unresolved issues with God regarding my brother's condition, I don't want to have more issues about my son. It's not like I'm asking for Morgan to be a super Stephen Hawking genius, (bad example) I'm asking for him to not have a disability that will affect his whole life, and ours.

I'm sorry for the seriousness, I didn't expect or plan to write any of this, but I'm not sorry I did, I feel like some of the burden has been lifted, hopefully off Tracie as well as I know she's had to bear all my frustration and yelling and crying and whining regarding the possible autism of Morgan Danger by herself.

So that's my life right now, there are other things of course like the continuing struggle of having a metal leg and now hip, having a car that still won't pass the state inspection, coming home after 7 pm every night, not getting enough sleep, etc. etc.

So there's my dateup on what's up with my life and why I've been avoiding blogging lately.


HayLee said...

I'm sorry. That is a lot to go through. I wish I knew why we go through some of the trials that we go through, I just know that we need to have faith in God, he will make all things right, even if we don't understand it at the time.You have a lot on plate, just know your doing good.

goodysgirl49 said...
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lynette said...

In the words of Dory, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

Sorry to hear that life is overwhelming right now, but I know you and I know you can do hard things. Just take it one day at a time and before you know it, you'll be done with school--FOREVER!

As for Morgan, my advice is two-fold: practical & spiritual.

Practical: All parents worry about their kids--esp. with their first. It's normal to compare them to others (even though you'll learn not to because it will just make you insane) but, every child is different. If Morgan is only slow in his speech milestones, I wouldn't worry too much. Whatever you do, don't jump to the worse case scenario! Call Utah's Baby Watch (this is the link) and they will test him (I think for FREE!) and then you'll know where to go from there.

Spiritual: First, have you given Morgan a blessing? Have you been given a blessing? These would really help to put your mind at ease, I'm sure.

Second, you already know this, but trials are what bring us closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are how we learn and grow--and growing is sometimes a painful process. Turn to the Lord and have faith in Him. Once you sincerely trust in His purposes & His understanding, you will feel ok about whatever happens.


Ross & Amanda Goodman- but mostly Amanda :) said...

This might sound weird, but I applaud you for your honesty here. So many parents try to sugar coat their frustrations in those areas saying, "That is what was intended.", "Trials make us stronger.", "Everything will be fine.", yadda, yadda, yadda. All of that is true, but what is more true than all of that is that no parent wants to have a disabled child. Being honest about your feelings will surely help in whatever you are facing. I wish I knew the right thing to say to help, but I don't. I may have just made things worse. I hope not. . . My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

Heather Mae the DIY Gal said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and concerns with Morgan.

Based on his pictures alone, children don't usually give you eye contact and big happy smiles at the same time when they are autistic.

Have you considered that he just might need speech therapy? Cade babbled until he was 3 1/2 and he had speech therapy from age 3 to 5 years old. His speech status was at the severe level. Checked his palate? (runs in the family in some circles for palate problems which are very fixable) Leah and Matthew also had speech therapy for moderate levels at age 3 and 4. I know that Eric (Troy's son) has speech therapy for some time, probably continuing? So just right there alone, three McNeil grandkids had to receive speech therapy.

Check out local Utah programs and see what services they offer. The sooner Tracie enrolls him in some sort of program or at least free testing, the better. Basically its like getting free preschool but Morgan will be having practically his own helper shadowing and helping him. Usually programs like this are free. Cade was part of the VIP preschool program and he received three days a week of speech therapy and preschool with typical preschoolers.

Doctors don't know everything. even though they act like they do. Consider a visit to the experts who deal with any language, behavior or emotional concerns with children.

Hope all goes well. Please keep me posted on Morgan's well being and your concerns.

Austin said...

Thank you all for the encouragement and kind comments, it has helped me more than I can say.

Love you all.