Mar 20, 2012

Talking Fannies

UVU annually puts on a production of the play "The Vagina Monologues." I've always been curious about it and late last week Tracie informed me that it was playing this Friday, and that we were going.

Being the member of the family that goes to UVU as well as one not unfamiliar with the UVU Box Office, it became my task to approach the ticket seller at the establishment one enters when wishing to buy tickets, and ask "May I have two tickets to see the Vagina Monologues?" Realizing just then what I was asking, and that I rarely say the word 'vagina' in a public setting, to his credit the ticket-seller appeared nonplussed.

(While it's true I don't use the word "vagina" in everyday speech, it should be noted I don't say the word 'monologue' very often either. Though I think most of us can agree that 'monologue,' while suggesting intimacy, is not quite as intimate or to some parties embarrassing a word.)

 They informed me that no, they were not selling them. I'd have to go to the Student Center to ask to buy them. Of course I did. If only so I could say the word "vagina" again.

So I went to the Student Center, not too long of a trip when you have a car and a handicap parking pass. I found the help desk, and asked a rather oblivious-looking attendant where I could purchase two tickets to one viewing of the "Vagina Monologues."
Me: Can I get tickets to the "Vagina Monologues" here?
Oblivious Help-Desk Attendant: (slowly) "Vagina Monologues?" I'm sorry, what's that?
Me: It's a play. About, well, I'm not entirely sure what it's about. That's why I'd like tickets. I think it must have something to do with the vagina. You know, from the title. I'll let you know more once I see it.
Oblivious Help-Desk Attendant: Well, have you tried the UVU Box office?
Me: Yes, as a matter-of fact, I did. They sent me to the Student Center. Where I now am. Is there somewhere else I can go to buy tickets for the "Vagina Monologues?" My wife has her heart set on seeing the monologues, I'm rather looking forward to seeing the--
Oblivious Help-Desk Attendant's Supervisor: You can buy them over at that desk over there. (Pointing stage right.)
Me: Thank you. (walking over to where I thought I was instructed.)
Ticket Salesman: What can I help you with?
Me: Two tickets to see the "Vagina Monologues," please.
Ticket Salesman: I don't think we're selling them here. We just sell tickets to the sporting events at this window.
Me: (becoming incensed) Well, would it be possible you ask one of your buddies in there if they know where you are selling them? Though they are engaged in conversation about how one band that will likely fall into obscurity is far superior to another band that will inevitably fall into obscurity, surely one of you knows where to find "Vagina Monologues" tickets? I've traipsed far enough asking for tickets to see "The Vagina Monologues" that I think I deserve them for free, at least a discounted rate.

(Actually, what I said was "Well Where CAN I Buy Them?!?!?!?!?" But I like the above response better. )

Ticket Salesman: Yeah, over there.
Me: (walking 'over there')
Friendly Student Employee: Hi!
Me: Hello. Can I get two tickets to the "Vagina Monologues," please?
Friendly Student Employee: Just one?
Me: No. Two. I'm not going alone to see the "Vagina Monologues," thank you. Even though I haven't felt so alone in all my life except when I had chemotherapy and my parents had other duties to attend to like care for my siblings or work to pay for the insurmountable medical bills, than I do right now.
Friendly Student Employee: Here's your tickets!
Me: Here's my money!
Friendly Student Employee: Enjoy the show!
Me: I have so far.

1 comment:

Jacob I. McMillan said...

You guys should sneak in. Also you should say the word "vagina" more often, so it won't be so awkward next time. Just drop it in casual conversation, apropos of nothing. That's what I like to do.