Some of you may know Tracie and I have dwindled into inactivity with the Church. Not due to any personal issues, offenses real or perceived, more out of laziness coupled with a demanding baby and other excuses.
I'm not posting this to ask you to tell me why I should go back, because I know I should. And I'm not posting this to give you carte blanche to tell me why I'm going to Hell, I have better reasons than you do in that regard.
I'm posting because I feel like it, and to sort of sort through my own feelings of faith as well.
I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true and living church on the face of the whole earth. That being said, one of the reasons why I stopped going wasn't laziness. I stopped going when I stopped feeling the Spirit while at church. I'm sure it can be traced to my own inadequacies and dozing off during talks, but I stopped seeing the value in attending. I didn't get anything out of it, and I know I wasn't helping anyone else get anything out of it.
When that happened, little things like boring callings (being one of eight ward librarians is a fast way to feel superfluous) or members of the bishopric forgetting your names or what you talked about the week before, start piling up and making it really easy to stay home. What's easier, to decide to stay in your pj's on Sunday and make omelets then catch up on cleaning up, or getting dressed in ill-fitting suits because you're fat, asking your wife to put your shoes and socks on because you can't reach (not due to fatness, thank goodness, but due to recent hip surgery), hear talks that sound like Charlie Brown's parents, feel ignored and invisible during Sunday school and priesthood?
I know, these are excuses, I'm very aware of the fact, thank you. I'm saying this because I want to change, and they say the first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have the problem.
Because now, I'm not just missing church for myself, I have a son that I want to grow up in the Gospel. While I may have issues about certain doctrinal points, it hasn't influenced or wavered my faith. (I thought it was waivered, but spell check didn't). I have a background in the Gospel and scriptures to keep me strong, but Morgan doesn't. Therefore, I am making the commitment now to get back to church for Morgan's sake. If I have to, I'll read my scriptures while people try to expound gospel truths while relating them to skiing trips or exclamation marks. Because I want him to have a foundation of truth that Tracie and I can't provide alone.
But then, what of my doctrinal hang ups? It makes me wonder is that the reason why I stopped feeling the Spirit? I don't know exactly why our church instituted polygamy. I don't know why the leaders of the church then outlawed it. I don't know why it took us so long to give blacks the Priesthood, and if there will be a similar revelation someday towards homosexuals. I don't understand the disparity of preaching equality between the sexes, then the fact that only men may hold the Priesthood, and a man must preside over the family. If a marriage is one of harmony, how am I to lord over my wife in the name of harmony?
I don't know the answers to these questions, and I'm not looking for yours. Because it doesn't matter. I know that these things and more were commanded by God, and He has His reasons. When it all comes down to it, Emerson said it best.
"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen."