American Spectacle Spectacular Season 8

The reason we watch the show. Tonight was the American Idol finale. It's nearly 1 am but I can't sleep, so, until I can, here's my thoughts on tonight's finale. (I'm trying to be as chronological as possible, but it's 12:46 and so here's what I remember:

Duet #1: Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah: Battle of the Bootys. I can't remember why we listened to this woman. She takes a fun song and makes it boring, even manages to suck the fun and talent out of Latifah (or maybe it was Latifah's too-tight spandex number that sucked). Tracie ended up fast forwarding most of it

Random outburst #1: Carly Smithson reporting from San Diego. I wonder where her husband, tattoo-face is? Out covering the rest of his body with more meaningless hideous ink (taking a hint from Megan Joy, whose arm would look more appealing if it went through a wheat-thresher) or perhaps tattoo-face is getting a new extreme tattoo, and becoming the world's first cyborg. But seriously, poor Carly, failed music career, booted off Idol, now reporting (poorly, but still better than the train wreck crazy lady in Kris's hometown) for San Diegans everywhere (but mostly San Diego.) Look closely, Lil Rounds. You'll be lucky to land a gig like this.

Duet #2: Anoop! Noop dog in the house, yo! Singing the most overplayed Jason Mraz song ever. Hey, look, it's Alexis! How fun! Well, if we have to listen to this song, at least we get to hear it done differently. Oh, wait. Jason Mraz is here to sing it like he does on the album, and the radio, and when it sticks in my head for hours. I normally LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Jason Mraz, but that song is SO overdone it's burnt gristle. I wanted to hear new meat and Jason just took over. Oh well, the night is still young.

Award #1: Well, I got to see the creepy guy, the creepy guy, the bad singer, the creepy guy, and Nick/Norman. We all know who it's going to... NICK/NORMAN! I totally called that he had the sparkly shirt on underneath, I hope he gets a job singing in Vegas or on a cruise ship or something. Such a delight and treat to see him again.

Duet #3: Kris and Keith Urban. I don't know who Adam's going to sing with, or who any of the guests are, but this is destined to be the best duet of the night. I was worried about Kris singing country (at first, yo I was like 'what?' but you really can sing, you're a singer!) but wow. It made me want to listen to more Keith Urban, and hope against hope that Kris won. My favorite of the night.

Duet #4: Allison Iraheta and... Cyndi Lauper? While that song is probably one of my favorite duets of all time and as you all know, Allison was my favorite contestant this season from the beginning, who was the genius to pair up cute, amazingly talented underage red-haired teenager with fifty something, sassy, funky has-been? Not my favorite combo by any stretch, it felt awkward. But, they both can sing, as Randy says. That is good Randy. They can sing. Good for you. Eat a cookie. Though who knew Cyndi Lauper could play the zither? Or more importantly, who knew I knew what a zither was?

Award #2: The award for biggest attention whore goes to.... bikini girl! Oh, how fun, she wore a bikini on stage to complement her new boobs. We fast forwarded most of her crap as she deserves even less attention than her master, the attention whore queen, Paris Hilton. Though we did watch most of her duet with Kara, who showed up bikini girl in more ways than one. *I found that the most impressive display of female empowerment through exposing oneself since Brandi Chastain took off her shirt after they won the World Cup. (I'm of course talking about Kara's wardrobe function (not dysfunction, since it seemed intentional) probably the most hilarious and unexpected moment of the night. Up to that point...

Duet #5- I can picture the producers now. Producer A: "Well boys, we need another celebrity- But we want to include more of the losers- I mean runners up. So let's get a celebrity everyone knows, but who can't sing, and then team him up with two contestants who can't sing so they'll sound better by comparison!" Producer B: "Hey, I know Steve Martin!" Producer A: "Can he sing?" Producer B: "Not a word, but he can play the banjo!" Producer A: "What idiot would agree to sing opposite one of the funniest men of last century playing the banjo?" Producer B: "Not just one idiot... but TWO!" I tried my hardest to tune them out and watch Steve play, though it was better than expected. (How can you expect that?) Kudos to SM, probably the second funniest moment of the night and most clever comeback to a stupid Seacrest question. When asked "who do you think is gonna win?" Steve Martin came back with "Well, I know it's a longshot, but I really hope I do." Hi-larious.

Girls sing: Oh, we're singing a Fergie song, eh? Fine, just get it over with, maybe Fergie will show up and show all of you up. She does. And she doesn't. At least she doesn't wet her pants on stage. I wish she was still with Black Eyed Peas. What ever happened to them? Hey, there they are! Awesomeness! The song isn't. Oh well, good to see will.i.am., apl and Taboo, even if I have to witness Fergie's horrible facelift that makes me reevaluate my opinion on the massacre of Meg Ryan's face. Didn't Fergie used to be pretty, or is that just me? Quick, cameraman, pan yet another shot of Janice Dickinson, maybe it will improve Fergie's face. They do. And it doesn't. Well, thanks for trying.

Duet #6: Danny! Hi! I can't believe it's been just one week since you left. Welcome back. Do your traditional Danny thing. You know what I mean. Start out withdrawn and soft, break into your raspy-albeit-predictable belting that we all came for. Ladies and gentlemen, Nicole Ritchie's dad! Watch him outperform me, like everyone else did! Sorry, Danny. You're too easy to make fun of. Now secure that Lens-Crafters spokesman deal before we forget about you.

Duet #7: What. The. Heck. Is. Adam. Wearing? I want to throw him underwater and see if he catches lobster with those shoulderpads. Tracie said he looks like something Kiss would wear. Well, if Kiss replaced their facepaint for a spray on tan that makes Seacrest look pale. Holy Cow! It's Kiss! Well, if you've gotta be theatrical, you've gotta be Kiss. They rock it on the one song of theirs I really like, Adam does a bang up job we all expect him to, and next to Gene Simmon's freakshow tongue, Adam's pink lolling lingua is really not all that bad. The only excuse he could have for wearing those shoulder pads and shoes is if Kiss is hiding somewhere on the stage, or floating above you, Adam. Ok. Good. proceed. Rock the house.

Trainwreck #3: Tatiana. I tried so hard to forget you. Really, I did. At first, I really wondered if she was ignoring the guards, but when they refused to beat her on stage with nightsticks that we all hoped for, I realized the game for what it was. Good for her for learning to laugh at herself. She just joined the millions of us who already are. Come on, security guards, get her! Don't you have any mace or anything? Oh well. Her fifteen minutes just went ding!

Guys sing: If you think I'm sexy? The whitest bunch of Idols ever (I know there was Anoop and Jorge in the mix, but Danny, Michael and Scott bleach it right up) were just not sexy. It didn't stop me from getting up and getting my groove on with a few air gyrations, but Rod Stewart's appearance didn't stop me from gagging, either. No Rod. I don't think you're sexy. Apparently, my mother in law does, but that's a different story, and not one I'm sure she'd appreciate me sharing. You had to be there, I guess. Did Rod seem drunk (-er than usual) to you too? Oh well, whatever works. Just because I don't find you sexy don't mean I don't like you. That raspy voice just plain rules.

Duet-ish #8: Santana! Awesome! This is the best finale ever! Go, Matt! Glad you got some singing time in, before everyone comes to join you. Now everyone shut up for a second and listen to Carlos some more. Wow.

Finale #1: We've had Kiss. We've had Lionel Ritchie. We've had Steve Martin on Banjo for crying out loud. What could they possibly do to top this night? One word: Queen.Freakin Queen. The greatest rock band. Ever. No arguments. No runners up. The only thing that could have topped it was if they brought Freddie back from the dead. But I'm okay with Brian and Roger. I'm de-flippin-lighted. I'm a Queen fan, btw. And the choice of "We Are the Champions" I thought was going to be cheesy, but it was perfect. A perfect end to a perfect night. Well done everyone. You ARE the Champions.

Finale the final: Oh, right. The results. I really didn't care much this time. Both have already won record deals, it's basically who gets the laurels and who has to sing Kara's mediocre song at the end. I knew it would be Adam. Everyone knew it would be Adam. Here comes the British man with the results, bullet proof and record breaking. What record they broke, I don't know. But he's British, so he must know what he's talking about. (Thanks, Idolatry) KRIS ALLEN WINS!!! Wow. Did not see that coming! That's terrific! Underdog! Dark Horse! The person the judges gave the least credit to! America loves its underdogs. But Kris really deserved it. Adam was destined to be a star, and he will be, but Kris really earned this. If Adam hadn't been in the competition, I think Kris' originality and creative risks and payoffs would have been praised much more, rather than the judges eating off Adam's butt and grudgingly throwing Kris a bone from time to time. I was so happy for Kris, but I think my favorite moment of the night was watching the credits roll and see adorable Kris holding his adorable wife adorably and just hold each other and crying. I don't know about you, but I teared up (seriously). It was a moment that you could just see at that instant they were the only two people in the world. Kris showed us something deeply personal and sincere, the only thing he ever shows us. Way to go. Standing ovation to a season well done.