Gimme a P!

So today at work we had random drug testing. That doesn't make me nervous, as the last time I did drugs it was a) over ten years ago, and b) perfectly legal, they were to treat the cancer.

What made it noteworthy in my opinion was I was an "alternate." Meaning those who were selected to randomly participate in the random drug test randomly received an email stating what time they were scheduled to make their deposit, but at the bottom it said "alternates, some guy and Austin."

At first I was a bit perplexed as to what my alternate status entailed. Did it mean, if someone was unable to pee, then I would jump in and contribute my Olympian-grade number one? Or did it mean, if no one else passed the test, it would fall on me to make things right for the company? Sadly, no. It simply meant that I was a stand in for people who didn't come in today. However, fortunately it also meant that I would be contributing my OWN #1 for my OWN records.

So I patiently waited to see if I was to be called upon, I drank a healthy amount (borderline unhealthy) of water so I'd be sure to make my deposit count. And stay on the clear side. Well, I needed to go around 11:00 when it was scheduled, but I waited, thinking I'd replace someone I knew wasn't in that day. Well, I didn't get called until 12:30, with the pressure rising and my patience wearing thin. And when I was called, they told me my skills wouldn't be required until 1:10. The last 15 minutes or so consisted of me doing the potty dance as it is called in some circles, and I finally made it in time, filled my cup a little past the required line (I'm an over-achiever, what can I say) and felt the relief I haven't felt since I was a child. I can't remember the last time I was so happy to pee.