Aug 5, 2010

I saved an old man's life! And what did I get in return?

The other day, as I was driving to work, an elderly motorist began merging into the lane I was driving in. In fact, if I wasn't such a good driver, he would have driven directly into my car. I swerved and honked my horn several times, meanwhile he appeared non-plustered and continued merrily on his roadway warpath. It was then that I had two thoughts. (Three, if you count the ways of demise I hoped for that octagenarian, including but not limited to burning and twisted metal). One was what a jerk that old man was and I hope he'll be all right driving that way, not at all explode mysteriously or drive off a cliff when napping.

The other was why Mitsubishi, when designing the Lancer model, decided to install the weeniest car horn made. Picture the scene. I'm driving to work after class. I'm in a hurry, because UVU and Security Metrics are not close in proximity to one another, relative to Orem. Suddenly an old-person in an old-person-Buick driving like an old person invades my driving space in the lane I am occupying: my lane. I swerve to avoid crumpled cars and angrily mash my palm repeatedly on the horn, only to hear:

"weeeeeeeeeeeeee! weeeee wee weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

This just infuriates me all the more, so when I get to work I grab all my belongings (so I thought) and slam the car door. Then realize, I locked my keys in the car. With it still running. Stupid old man. This is all his fault. I get to my desk and ask my coworkers semi-seriously if any of them can break into a car, while I start looking online for locksmiths. One of the managers tells me Orem Police can break into your car for free, and I think what a deal! So I call dispatch (after being told 911 is probably not the best number to call for this type of emergency) and tell them our location.

I go outside, wait by my car and meet the officer. He's very friendly, has me sign a form waiving any charges for them breaking anything on my car. I hesitatingly sign, after the reassurance from him that he's been doing this 20 years and has yet to break anything. I tell him 20 years, he looks much too young for that, he asks me what I'm doing later. After successfully breaking into my car and unsuccessfully breaking it or getting a date, I grab my keys and thank the officer and silently curse the old man that he will lock his keys in his car evermore. I then realize, he probably already does lock his keys in the car, and instead curse him with baldness and dementia. Too late. Incontinence. Already there. Oh well. At least no one was hurt. Yet.

8 comments:

Ammon said...

My Honda has a weeine-sounding horn too. It's the only thing about my car that I can't stand. I almost hate to use it.

Mark said...

no good deed goes unpunished

HailerStar said...

And I thought my Gma's driving was bad!

Gma used to have a friend that firmly believed if you turned on your blinker then ppl HAD TO GET OUT OF THE WAY FOR YOU.

Charlo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charlo said...

The Lancer comes with quite a MANLY horn. it is the Ancer that has a wimpy one.

Remember? you couldn't afford to upgrade to the Lancer.

Austin said...

I refuse to believe it.

Jacob I. McMillan said...

One time I got so angry while driving that I punched my car horn. Unfortunately, I punched it so hard that it broke, and remained stuck on the "honk" position. So it sounded like this: "ERRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNPPP"
as if somebody were holding it down. This went on until some guy across the street came over to help, and he dismantled the steering wheel in order to cut the wire that made the horn noise. After that my horn was dead, and it never worked again.

And that's why you never punch your car horn.

Heather Mae the DIY Gal said...

recently my 70 year old FIL plowed into my SIL new car, in the driveway. Elderly driving should be banned altogether.