Oct 4, 2010

Ol' Bessie

Some of you may know that my leg (or "Ol' Bessie" as she prefers to be called) can predict the weather. I don't mean to say that I have a fifth sense or that I have ESPN or something, and only sometimes can she tell that's it's already raining.

What I mean is that my leg aches and my scar itches before it rains. This first occurred shortly after my first surgery. My leg hurt and my scar itched like the dickens, and the next day it rained. This happened a number of times before I connected the two- pain and itching followed by rain. (As usually, pain and itching is followed by a trip to the doctor and a rather uncomfortable conversation about creams and ointments and who you got it from.)

I used my power of weather prediction only for good (most of the time) and used it to advise family members on whether they should take a jacket with them, and to know exactly where lightning would strike, and manipulate my enemies into standing in that exact spot tomorrow.

Though, some time after my mission, the power seemed to change. My weather prediction seemed off. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized it was then predicting the rain two days in advance, rather than the previous one. I used this power again for the force of good, and to make lame weather-related puns (do you know what happens to a Toad when it gets struck by lightning?) Those not in awe of my awesome weather manipulation were found lightning-struck atop a pile of extra-crispy enemies of Austin-man, or have their perms ruined and clothes made soggy.

Recently, I've thought my powers waning. It was three days ago that I first felt the itching and aching. I made sure my anti-fungal cream prescription was up to date, and expected it to rain. Nothing. Then I expected it again the next day. Not a drop. Then, today it's raining cats, dogs, hamsters, bunnies, men and an ocelot.

Have my powers of perception slowly decreased, that instead of the next day forecast it has to take 3 cycles of the earth for it to come to pass, or have I become so sensitive to the changes in climate and weather that I can tell nearly half a week in advance of oncoming precipitation? The implications are dire. Either way, fear me! Fear me future enemies and minions! Fear me you all!!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

9 comments:

Mark said...

if that is a negative of your face, I am afraid, very afraid

wishing you health and a good week

Austin said...

No father. 'Tis the contents of my very SOUL!!!! and yes, it's a negative, taken with photobooth a couple years ago.

You are wise to fear me, though it is unnecessary. As father, you will be given a throne second only to my own and be a member of Austin's ruling class. Which entitles you to unlimited cake. Milk optional.

Thanks for the health wishes, and best wishes to your week and continued health as well.

Ammon said...

Please, Austin, please . . . use your powers of weather prognostication for good--not evil!

Wendy McMillan said...

Ok that photo just made my top 10 list of scariest things of all time. What did you blog about? All I remember is the photo. If I have nightmares tonight I'm calling Tracie tomorrow to complain.

HailerStar said...

I used to have that same power of prediction in my ankle after I injured it the first time. I have noticed over the years that it has changed ... but I assumed it to be due to the various other injuries all vying for my attention instead of just the one!

Totally pouring buckets here today!

Heather Mae the DIY Gal said...

ESPN?? Is that a sports extended version of ESP?? lol!

Ryan knows it is going to rain based on how his old football injuries feel. Works every.single.time.

Austin said...

Ammon- We'll see.

Wendy- Thanks, that means a lot. My leg and my magic powers therein. I guess you didn't have nightmares because Tracie said you didn't call.

Hailer- Glad others have my powers, even if they're more responsible than I.

Heather- Yes, it's a sports based ESP, as seen in Mean Girls. And cool Ryan also shares my super power.

Charlo said...

ya, that weather report was the highlight of mean girls, especially since she fondled her own bosoms.

Can I say fondled on your blog?

Austin said...

fondled is perfectly acceptable.

bosoms, however, is acceptable, but only if you have a note.