Some Quotes a la Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to be with women who have saved someone's life.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.